Adult nappies: are you missing out?

DEMAND for adult nappies is soaring, with one in five Britons wearing them. Are you missing out on this convenient new lifestyle option? These are just some of the benefits: 

Long, lazy mornings in bed

When you’re warm and comfortable, getting up to empty your bladder can ruin your sleep. With an adult nappy there are no such concerns. You don’t have to pause Netflix, put down your phone or any of those other irritations, and it puts horny partners off sex.

Save on heating bills

Sick of being gouged by mercenary privatised utilities? Filling your nappy with nice hot urine means you’ve got your own central heating that’s green and sustainable. How do you like those apples, British Gas?

All the celebrities are wearing them

A number of national treasures who we can’t name – think Gandalf, think M, think Lovejoy – are already in them, and rumour is Balenciaga are launching a range. Get in the game before David Beckham’s in the Adidas BladderMaster Pro and Snoop Dogg’s in Diapers by Dre. Gen Z will jump onto the trend, they love anything childish and ugly.

Great conversational ice-breaker

Ever been stuck at a dinner party with nothing to say? No longer.  Everyone is fascinated by their own excretory habits and problems, and as adult nappies catch on conversations like ‘Do you wee or poo or both, Belinda?’ will be the new property prices.

Be Top Gun

You know who pisses themselves all the time? Fighter pilots. They use a ‘piddle pack’ more like a bag, but there must be splashback in a cramped cockpit at Mach 3. Maverick constantly stinks of piss, and he’s cool.

Avoid pub toilets

Pub toilets, particularly men’s, often reek of uric acid or are located down labyrinthine corridors. With a nappy you can stay in your seat contentedly dribbling urine all night. The high-tech materials they’re made of now can safely contain nine pints of Kronenbourg. Change before going on to a club.

Perfect for romance

‘Do you wear absorbent undergarments?’ is a bold, forward chat-up line, and if the answer’s yes you’ve got a shared interest to build on. Obviously for early adopters there’s a risk of being considered ‘weird’ or even perverted, but it’s no more embarrassing than owning an Apple Watch.

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What we weren't allowed as children: the privileged whines from leaders of all parties

RISHI Sunak wasn’t allowed Sky TV, so the leaders of all other parties have rushed to share their heartbreaking childhood deprivations to catch up. This is what they suffered: 

Rishi Sunak, Conservative leader

Because my parents, as all responsible parents should, paid £52,000 a year for my schooling I never had Sky television. I was 22 before I saw a live televised Premiership game. My childhood was bereft of The Simpsons. To this day I fall silent during conversations about Dream Team. I’m just like you.

Keir Starmer, Labour leader

My father was a toolmaker so I never had toys. All I had to play with was tools. Whenever I was bored along he’d come saying ‘here son, I’ve made you another tool’. Tools, tools, f**king tools. An awl isn’t Luke Skywalker no matter how hard you pretend. That’s when I vowed to become a fancy Islington lawyer.

John Swinney, SNP leader

Growing up in Scotland in the 1960s, I didn’t see my first vegetable until I was 12 years old. It was a marrow, on a velvet cushion in the window of Maule’s, and we all crowded around to see this exotic alien presence, scarcely believing it real. Bananas remained only a rumour until the late 1980s. I still haven’t seen a kumquat.

Ed Davey, Liberal Democrat leader

Because my parents wanted me to become a third-rank politician, they didn’t allow me to make a fool of myself. I wasn’t allowed at theme parks, on slides, giant Jenga, crazy golf, stand-up paddleboarding, any of it. Well who’s laughing now, you censorious pricks?

Adrian Ramsey, Green Party co-leader

From as long as I can remember, I’ve deprived myself of everything. Toys, meat, heating, travel, luxuries of any kind. Even when seven I believed that everyone should live in a small hut, subsistence farming only the turnips they need to survive and otherwise leaving the environment untouched. And that’s my vision for Britain and for the world.

Rhun ap Iowerth, Plaid Cymru leader

Me? Normally we’re not in these things so I haven’t prepared anything. You’ve caught me on the hop, here. I could never find a Glen Hoddle sticker for my 1982 World Cup album, does that count? Oh shit, he’s English.

Nigel Farage, Reform UK leader

As a child in 1960s Britain, I was brought up in a world completely bereft of any positive views about Germany under National Socialism. Comics, movies, TV shows, all of them presented an entirely one-sided view with no attempt at balance. And in a way I suppose my whole political career has been a reaction to that.