Airfix models and other things that make men broody

THE sight of a baby does not make a man want to have a baby. However, there are certain triggers which set their biological clocks ticking: 

Airfix models

Show a man a picture of a newborn and he’ll remark how similar it is to all other newborns. Show him the box for a 1:24 scale Airfix Supermarine Spitfire Mk.IXc and he’ll start imagining how he’ll redecorate the spare room to accommodate it. That beast has 433 parts and is skill level four but he’s mature and ready for the commitment.

Retro games consoles

Despite being obsolete, Sega Mega Drives and SNES consoles trigger a yearning sensation in an otherwise rational brain. Men will explain to their reluctant girlfriends how having one will enhance both their lives and bring them decades of happiness. It’s unfair on the console to grow up by itself though, so you might as well get five or six.

Football stickers

Rectangular photos of men in football kits with adhesive backing bring out a man’s protective side. They send him back to endless summer afternoons, doing swaps with kids in year nine who tricked him into trading Gaetano Scirea for Billy Hamilton. As an adult, men can keep these stickers safe by tucking them into their wallet where there’s a little window to admire them.

Sports cars

Men aren’t easily reduced to babbling baby talk. That’s unless they happen to walk past a Mustang Shelby GT350 or a Lotus Elise, which they’ll gingerly approach in a state of awe while making all sorts of infantile gurgles. The selfie they take with it will then be the talk of the men in the office while the women disapprovingly sigh and roll their eyes.

Big TVs

When a man spots a TV that’s bigger than his, a flurry of emotions will course through his body. Where did it come from? How much was it? And is it too late in his life for the man to get one for himself? After all, they say once you’re in your forties your odds of buying a new big TV drop off dramatically. Better order it now to be safe.

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How to get maximum wanker points from flying business class

FLYING business class means nothing unless people you went to school with a decade ago know about it. Here’s how to broadcast your briefly exalted status: 

Leave the tags on your case

Carefully position the Upper Class tag facing upwards on your bag. Wheel it into the office and leave it next to your desk all day, even if there are lockers. Never mention it. Just watch everyone clock it.

Post it on Facebook

You are currently in the BA first class lounge at Heathrow terminal 5? Then you must check in. Funny how you never feel the urge to share your location from your speed awareness course or the STD clinic.

Spend hours in the lounge

Did you know the Virgin Clubhouse offers massages and showers? I bet they love you getting there five hours early in order to spend the entire day dicking about scoffing free pretzels and leafing through every magazine.

Bang on about your credit card

You accumulate air miles via your credit card? That’s great. But do we need to hear about it every time you pay for anything? And you never mention it costs you £200 a year and the APR is 197 per cent.

Take the whole family

To really out-wanker other flyers, upgrade your whole family. Nothing says ‘I’ve got air miles to burn’ like a casual Instagram photo of a tiny toddler perched in a vast flat-bed leather seat.

Ignore any downsides

Emirates gave you a special card for flying so much with them? It means you can skip the queue? You still had to cumulatively spend days of your life in Dubai airport, a vapid mall in the middle of a desert, from which your soul can never recover. Oh, and your carbon emissions have killed 40 giant pandas.

Complain incessantly if you ever have to fly economy

If life ever goes badly wrong and you find yourself turning right instead of left, make this clear by asking ‘When do you come round with the champagne?’ ‘I haven’t been given my pyjamas?’ and ‘What do you mean, £12 for a microwaved bacon roll and mini Pringles?’ Affect not to notice everyone smirking under their non-cashmere flight blankets.