I had not previously heard about World War Two, Abbott admits

DIANE Abbott has admitted that the events colloquially known as the Second World War were entirely new to her. 

The member for Hackney North and Stoke Newington, who lost the Labour whip after a letter separating racism and mere prejudice, knew something happened between 1939-1945 but as it was mainly of interest to older white men had purposely ignored it.

She continued: “White people killing white people isn’t racism. I scarcely regard it as worthy of notice. It’s just what white people are like.

“But since the adverse reaction to the first draft of my letter – I wish you could see the second draft, it’s magnificent, but I haven’t written it yet – I’ve investigated and I’m shocked.

“It seems Churchill, a well-known genocidal racist, was actually fighting a war against someone who was an even more genocidal racist, which is so far-fetched as to stretch credibility.

“And this white man, let’s call him Hitler, was actually prejudiced toward some of the very peoples mentioned in my letter in quite an extreme way. So my apologies to them but not to the redheads. I was on solid ground with the redheads.”

She added: “One last thing. Why was it called World War Two? To me that implies there was a first.”

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Your guide to woke Cockney rhyming slang

NOW London is a hotbed of Labour voters, Cockney rhyming slang’s gone all dagger and cloak. These are the new phrases down the hipster eel shop: 

John Sessions – microaggressions

Rolled your eyes at someone? Not ordered food for your vegan colleague? Implied a Chinese friend is good at maths? Come on mate, stop it with all the John Sessions. It’s out of f**king order.

Grammar – means of production

Karl Marx, a proper geezer whose gaff was in Soho but had East End running through him like a stick of Southend rock, was always on about seizing the grammars – from grammatical construction, means of production, alright? – and using them to make capital centralized for a fairer society. Basically sharing out the bees and honey.

Barry Gibb – neolib

So you’re a fan of free trade, privatization and government-promoted competition in the market? You sound like a Barry Gibb, pal. Probably backed the crack whore, which obviously means Iraq war.

Nigel Mansell – cancel

Said the wrong thing on Twitter? Bad luck me old china – you’ve just been Nigelled. Where you say cancelled, we say Nigel Manselled, which means sling your hook and get a job on GB News.

Six-figured – triggered

Six-figured is what you get when some berk’s been giving you John Sessions all day and you’re pat and mick of it. Grass them up and get them Nigelled. Try getting Arts Council funding now, prick.

Sam Fender – transgender

There’s more Sam’s around than there ever were, and for those of us born within the sound of Bow Bells that’s a f**king great thing. The more young people experimenting with their Sam identity, the better.

Natural agility – white fragility 

Not happy hearing all this? Making you feel attacked, is it? That’s your natural talking. Stop your whining because there’s nothing we daggers savour more than a cup of Hoegaarden. White beer meaning white tears, mate. They don’t all rhyme.

Danny Dyer – die in a fire

Still giving it with the Johns even though you’ve been solidly Nigelled? Still acting like a Barry and keeping your grip on your grammar? Go and f**king Danny, you mug. Or Dani if you prefer. We’re Sam neutral.