Women wear heels to sound like a little trotting horse, study reveals

WOMEN have confirmed they only cram their feet into tall pointy shoes is so they can make a delightful clip-clop sound as they walk.

Ladies agreed that balancing on their toes and a narrow spike for as much as the evening as they can manage is worth it to enter rooms like an adorable miniature pony.

Fashionista Hannah Tomlinson said: “Men have long been mystified by women’s decision to hobble around on little stilts and assumed it was for them. Dead wrong.

“The noise makes women feel purposeful and productive. Why shuffle around silently when instead you can sound like a trotting thoroughbred doing important dressage?

“They just want to feel like the fillys they loved in embarassing books they read as teenagers. Sadly if men want to experience the same effect they have to carry around coconut halves, which would be ridiculous.”

Woman and heel-wearer Francesca Johnson said: “Well, I guess the horse is out of the stable. We lied that heels are pretty and made our legs look nice, but the truth is click-clacking along make us feel like winsome little equines merrily cantering through daisies in a better world where people lovingly brush our hair and feed us sugar.

“Plus, when your shoes make it sound like a snorting 500kg mammal is approaching, men might move out of your f**king way for once.”

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Sushi, and five other foods your parents refuse to even try

YOUR parents raised you not to be a picky eater, while adamantly refusing to even consider these everyday cuisines: 


Sushi is no longer considered exotic. You can get it in a Boots meal deal, for f**k’s sake. But when you asked your dad if he fancies a California roll he stared at you as if you’d presented him with sliced seal dong. Your mum is convinced that if tuna isn’t seared it’ll give her worms.


It took the UK by storm in the 90s but, like grunge and Absolutely Fabulous, your parents never really got it and continue to regard it with the same suspicion they harbour men who wear make-up or women who don’t.


Your mum’s not averse to a ‘picky tea’ when the weather gets hot, but going to a restaurant to pay £9 for a small plate makes her blood boil. If Spanish food’s nice, why do all the bars there serve egg and chips? What good are prawns if they’re not in Marie Rose sauce?

Smashed avocado

There’s a limit to what your dad will tolerate on his precious toast – peanut butter was deemed a bridge too far. The vivid green of avocado is like eating an alien, and to his mind the only thing that should be smashed is plain, white potatoes with margarine.

Oat milk

Your parents have never trusted milk except in tea, but in the era of milk alternatives they’ve become the dairy industry’s greatest allies. ‘You can’t milk an almond,’ your dad opines, ‘because it hasn’t got tits.’ What even is a soy? Are they vicious vermin like veals?


Your parents love lettuce, cabbage, spinach and the like, especially boiled, but once they heard young people were into something called ‘kale’ they became dead set against it. It’s classed with skunk cannabis for them. You’ve never dared offer it. You hate it, to be honest, but you to defend it to the hilt just to spite them.