Five occasions when it's f**king fine to swear in front of your kids

CHILDREN are precious angels, and we shouldn’t destroy their innocence by using bad language in front of them. Apart from on these occasions:

In the car

Parents are wound up so tight that even the slightest indiscretion in traffic causes a volcanic eruption. Someone just cut you up? Feel free to give them both barrels – profanity, elaborate hand signals to imply they’re wankers and hammering on the horn. Sorry, kids, Mummy’s got road rage.

Standing on one of their toys

Sadly, the period where everyone buys your newborn cuddly toys is brief. Before long they’re onto the hard stuff and the floor is littered with pointed plastic things like Lego and model dinosaurs. When you stand on a triceratops and loudly yell that you’re ‘glad the motherf**king bastards are f**king extinct’ your child starts crying inconsolably even though you’re the one with a horn stuck in the sole of your foot.

When you open their nursery bill

Despite sitting down and bracing yourself to open the email, every time you see you owe Kiddywinks Day Nursery £900 a month you can’t help some pretty colourful language slipping out. For that amount, you’d expect your toddler to be able to play the violin or speak Japanese by now, when in reality they come home covered in paint and carrying a bag with some shitty trousers inside.

At any time during a trip to the supermarket

The full horror of taking a child to the supermarket is something every parent has to bear at some stage: tantrums, running off, lying down in the bakery aisle and refusing to move. While you would never swear directly at your child after they’ve opened a jar of mayonnaise and emptied it on the floor, you don’t mind furiously berating a shelf of baked bean tins with a few choice phrases.

When telling your partner about the bad word they used

It’s perfectly acceptable to swear in front of your kid if you’re explaining to your partner that you had to go into their school today to talk to the headmistress about their language. Could you explain why your child called Miss Shaw an ‘almighty wanker’? No, you have no idea where they might’ve picked language like that up from. You’ll go straight home and check the child settings on YouTube.

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Celebrity's child resembles them, and five other astonishing Mail Online revelations

THE internet is infinite but that doesn’t stop the Mail Online being determined to completely fill it with utter bollocks. Like this:

Celebrity’s child resembles them

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You won’t believe how much this tiny apartment in London costs. Unless, of course, you have a functioning brain and a basic grasp of the world. Like every other country in the world our capital city is more expensive to live in than the other parts, but it surprises the Mail Online on a weekly basis.

Weather happens

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Rich person enjoys cocaine

EXCLUSIVE! A high-profile person with more money than Belize spends some of it getting off their tits. Precisely nobody is surprised or bothered, but that doesn’t stop a censorious Mail Online columnist writing a scathing article about the scourge of drugs, before they nip to the loo for a quick line themselves.

Junk food has a lot of calories in it

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Millionaire is in good shape

Check out this picture of a middle-aged millionaire. Notice anything? That’s right, they’re in pretty good nick. They can afford the PR team to place this story in the newspapers, so of course they can also afford a personal trainer. Which you can’t, because you’re just a Mail Online-reading pleb.