Are you in a single man's bathroom? Take our quiz

IN a bathroom? Not sure if it belongs to a single man? Take this quiz and find out.

Describe the decor.

A) There are lots of houseplants, a framed art print of an inoffensive landscape, and a glass jar filled with stones which doesn’t appear to have any use.
B) There’s a shaving mirror with grimy fingerprints all over it. That’s it.

What cleansing products can you see?

A) Several bottles of expensive shampoo, conditioner and body lotion. And that’s before you take a peek inside the medicine cabinet with its illuminated, steam-free mirror.
B) A 2-in-1 bottle of shampoo and body wash. It’s empty and, judging by the layer of dust on it, it’s been there for some time.

Is the room clean?

A) Intimidatingly so. You feel guilty for taking a shit in here, even though that’s what it’s specifically designed for.
B) It’s hard to tell. Either the grouting between the tiles was black as part of a deliberate design choice, or it’s so dirty that you’ll catch a disease just by looking at it.

What’s the soap situation?

A) An easy-to-use hand pump affair which smells of flowers and leaves your hands feeling clean and soft.
B) There’s a small, worn-down lump of what is presumably soap with a couple of pubes on it. It could be a dead slug though.

Is there a bin?

A) There’s a small pedal bin next to the toilet. It’s the cleanest bin you’ve ever seen.
B) No. Just a sad collection of toilet roll tubes under the cistern.

ANSWERS

Mostly As: Congratulations, you are not in the bathroom of a single man. This place is either owned by a woman or a couple where the woman takes care of everything.

Mostly Bs: Oh dear, you are in a single man’s bathroom. Keep calm, try not to breathe in too deeply, and head for the nearest exit. With any luck you’ll be able to get out without catching a fungal infection or cholera.

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A lock-in and other things you don't want to experience in a rough pub

REALISED you’re drinking in a rough pub? Cross your fingers that none of these unfortunate events happen.

A fight

You wouldn’t even be able to hold your own in a minor argument in a gentrified gastropub, let alone a bare knuckle brawl in a rough pub. Forget about going home in an ambulance, you’ll be going to the morgue in a bludgeoned heap. And all because you stupidly asked the barmaid if they serve lattes.

A lock-in

Having a drink in a rough pub is dangerous enough when the exits are open and you’ve got several escape routes. Imagine how terrified you’d be if the landlord shut the doors, put the bolts on, and invited you to hang out with the surly regulars. It’d be like enduring a couple of rounds in a cage fight.

A trip to the bathroom

You’ll have to visit the bathroom at some point, even though the toilet in a rough pub is so disgusting and scary that you’d rather piss in the street. However, you can get arrested for that, so you’ll have to grin and bear it and pretend to yourself that the crime scene investigation tape is part of the decor.

A conversation

These are not your people. These are rough pub people. Anything you try to say to them will be misconstrued as an insult or a challenge. Even your pathetic pleas asking them to spare your face will be interpreted as an insult against their mother. You’re best off remaining completely silent for the duration of your stay.

Having a pint

Even the most basic of pub activities like buying a pint will put your life at risk. First you have to wait at the bar with aggressive patrons, then you have to order a drink that won’t get you lynched, so anything apart from lager is off-limits. And be careful carrying your drink back to your table as even lightly brushing past a regular will have you accused of spilling their pint and into a Begbie-style glassing nightmare within seconds.

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