Arsehole to spend rest of 2021 boasting that she went abroad

A WOMAN just back from Majorca has confirmed she will spend the remainder of the year going on about it to everyone. 

Donna Sheridan is making clear to everyone she meets that she, for one, was not reduced to holidaying in a remote corner of Northumberland like a f**king peasant.

She continued: “I spent the money, I took the risk, it paid off and I will be lording it over everyone for the next eight months minimum.

“Obviously I’ll only relentlessly bring up my holiday as a natural part of the conversation. For example if you say ‘I’m worried about traffic’ I’ll reply ‘I left all my worries behind when I flew out to Majorca, the pornstar martinis by the pool were amazing!’

“I took enough pictures to keep my Instagram boastful right through December, legs by the beach, selfies in sunnies, yoga at sunrise, all that shit. Hashtags #blessed and #itwasworthit.

“It’s so satisfying that we spent a fortnight enjoying artisanal ice-creams in Mediterranean heat while you trudged miles in the rain for a Solero. And I achieved it by simply ignoring all guidelines while casually spending money I might not get back.

“The holiday was shit. I broke my phone dropping it down the steps of some shitty old temple and argued with Nathan the whole time. But it was so worth it.”

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Pissing with the door open, and other signs you're too comfortable in your relationship

STOPPED giving a shit about retaining dignity in your relationship? Here are five signs you’re far too comfortable:

Performative farting

Moving beyond discrete farting into not being embarrassed to let one rip is a natural part of any relationship. However, if you find yourself trying to fart the alphabet for your partner’s entertainment it won’t be long before you suddenly realise you haven’t had sex for 18 months.

Always having 85 per cent of your attention on your phone

There’s no point in actively listening to your other half, as you know that the only three topics of conversation they have are house prices, Eastenders and Lisa from work with the annoying laugh. You know exactly when to nod and can devote the rest of your attention to Stardew Valley.

Only commenting on your partner’s flaws

Offering compliments is an important part of showing your partner you appreciate them. If you only rouse yourself to comment on their appearance when you notice a juicy whitehead on the back of their neck, you’ve moved beyond physical attraction into quasi-sibling roles where shagging each other would feel uncomfortably incestuous.

Never looking in the mirror

It’s important to make an effort with your appearance so that your partner still fancies you. If you look in the mirror for the first time in three days to discover a crust of sleepy drool on your chin, greasy hair and an outfit made up of pyjama bottoms and a droopy cardigan covered in last night’s carbonara, you’ve given up caring about your relationship.

Pissing with the door open

If you find yourself chatting with your partner through an open bathroom door whilst simultaneously pissing like a shire horse, you are too deep in the cosy rut of monogamy. Maybe start a destructive love affair with a colleague to spice things up a bit.