Seven things I hate about modern football, by a gammon

THE Premier League returns this weekend. Fan Normal Steele explains why the game was so much better when he was a lad:

Footballers’ names

Footballers used to have normal, old fashioned names, such as Nobby, Bobby and Ron. Now the England team is full of names I don’t understand, like Jordan, Tyrone and Marcus. And don’t even get me started on Raheem.

Too many foreign countries

You used to know where you stood. Half the world map was pink, and the rest was the Soviet Union, Yugoslavia and Czechoslovakia. Now you can’t even remember which country your new striker is from. Why does there need to be a Slovenia and a Slovakia, anyway? It’s confusing.

Colours not found in nature

Everything’s gone fluorescent yellow: boots, referees’ shirts, police jackets. What’s wrong with good old black? I expect it’s because the woke lefties who’ve infiltrated everything will get upset by it.

Smooth pitches

Back in the day, a player would round the keeper, tap the ball towards the empty net and turn away to celebrate. But the ball would stop on the goal line because rain had turned that little patch of mud into Lake Windermere. That’s real football.

Social media

Your club signs a promising young player, but then some snowflake gets offended by a tweet from five years ago that suggested the Nazis had a strong work ethic. You’re kicked out of the cup, and your manager’s forced to humiliatingly take the knee at a press conference. The game’s gone.

Sponsors

Years ago, the pitch was surrounded by hoardings advertising local tile merchants, haulage firms and breweries. These days it’s those electronic ones flashing something distracting in Chinese, Thai or Russian. I don’t know which, they all look the bloody same.

Footballers look too young

Footballers used to look like grown men, thanks to moustaches, chain smoking and spending the off-season working as a mercenary in Zimbabwe. Or because they were Scottish. Now they get their hair cut every day, eat salad and exfoliate, so they all look about 14.

You've passed your test, but can you actually drive? Take our quiz

YOU’VE officially passed your driving test and you’re allowed to be in a car on your own. But can you actually drive? Time to find out.

You’re on a busy main road and need to turn left into a side street. What do you do?

A. Indicate, check it’s safe, then go.

B. Just turn, f**k everyone else. They’ll probably stop.

You’re driving on the motorway and need to overtake. Which lane do you choose?

A. The right hand lane.

B. I just get right up the backside of the person in front until they move. Easy.

You’re on a narrow country road at night. How fast are you going?

A. Not as fast as usual so I have reasonable time to slow down if someone comes the other way.

B. 105mph, or 5mph, depending on whether I think the police are behind me.

A pedestrian wants to cross at a zebra crossing you’re approaching. What do you do?

A. Slow down and let them cross.

B. Accelerate over it. Hopefully not over them, but what is life without a little risk?

You need to send someone a text. What do you do?

A. Wait until you’ve stopped and then do it.

B. Jump on the fast lane of the motorway and take both hands off the wheel so you can text freely.

You finally made it to your destination. How do you park?

A. In-between the lines.

B. I park sideways across several bays to ensure I take up maximum space but also leave no room for the person next to me to open their door more than a crack.

Answers

Mostly As

You know how to drive and deserved to pass your test. Keep it up and hope you don’t encounter any drivers who got Bs (which you definitely will).

Mostly Bs

Christ. Maybe the examiner was drunk, or maybe you slipped them a tenner. In any case, you definitely aren’t roadworthy. Enjoy having a licence while it lasts.