Five completely useless friends when you've been dumped

WHEN you’re newly heartbroken, numerous friends will rally round to offer support. These people will be no help whatsoever:

Cliché advisor

As if being jettisoned by your partner wasn’t enough, you now also have to deal with some chump whose idea of emotional support is spouting the type of platitude usually found on a cushion. Yes, there might be plenty more fish in the sea but the one you actually cared about has left you for their personal trainer.

‘Get back out there’ guy

You are an emotional husk. Your flat is still full of your ex’s belongings, which they could come to collect at any moment. Yet your mega-tool of a mate is telling you to ‘get back out there’ and hook up with a stranger, because openly weeping in a nightclub is always a winner when it comes to pulling.

Drama fan

It’s usually a female friend who will turn up the second they hear you’ve been ditched, ostensibly offering support, but in reality wanting to suck as much sustanance as possible from your trauma. They will offer terrible advice, like ‘Why don’t you go round to their mums and see if she can help?’ because they get a sick thrill from your misery.

The person who makes it all about them

After listening to your woes for approximately three seconds, this friend will help by banging on about all the times they have been dumped, which are many and varied because they are a massive bellend. If you try and get a word in they’ll accuse you of being selfish and begin musing about whether that’s the real reason you were kicked to the kerb.

The misguided ego-inflater

There is invariably one friend who says ‘I always thought you were too good for them’, revealing that they’d never liked your partner. They will slag them off in every way possible, which, rather than making you feel better, will lead you to question your judgement and wonder if you’ll ever be happy again.

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Five ways a family festival will be ruined by your f**king family

IT’S easy to believe that taking your young family to a festival will be fun. Here’s why the reality will be horribly different:

It will be ruinously expensive

It’s a given that festivals charge £15 for a burger, which is fine when you’re 19 and on a three-day bender without a care in the world. But multiply that charred lump of reconstituted vegetables by your partner and two kids and you’ll be wincing into your wallet, even before one of your offspring chucks it on the floor because the tomato has touched the bun.

Someone will always need a poo

In the middle of the petting zoo? Someone needs a poo. Enjoying a balloon sculpture demonstration? Someone needs a poo. Waiting for the one actually good band to come on? Someone needs a poo. Forget having fun and traipse off to find a toilet.

You will need a shopping trolley for all the equipment

You’ll be carrying jumpers for when it’s too cold, hats for when it’s too hot, toys for when they’re too bored, and medicines for when they get allergic to the face paint they’re slathered in, while also trying to smuggle in a bottle of contraband gin. Good luck trying to mosh with a Trunki child’s suitcase in tow.

Less sleep won’t make your family more fun

Everyone knows children become little shits when they’re tired, and spending three days trudging around a muddy field while their parents pathetically attempt to relive their youth will completely exhaust them. It’s like you’re asking for them to have a full-scale meltdown in a baking tent when you’ve got the mother of all hangovers.

They would have had a better time on the internet

For one brief, fleeting moment, maybe as the sun goes down on the last night, you might catch a glimpse of your family all cracking a smile at the same time. And you might think it was all worth it. Until you remember the same effect can be achieved with 15 minutes in front of SpongeBob SquarePants.