WHEN you’re newly heartbroken, numerous friends will rally round to offer support. These people will be no help whatsoever:
As if being jettisoned by your partner wasn’t enough, you now also have to deal with some chump whose idea of emotional support is spouting the type of platitude usually found on a cushion. Yes, there might be plenty more fish in the sea but the one you actually cared about has left you for their personal trainer.
‘Get back out there’ guy
You are an emotional husk. Your flat is still full of your ex’s belongings, which they could come to collect at any moment. Yet your mega-tool of a mate is telling you to ‘get back out there’ and hook up with a stranger, because openly weeping in a nightclub is always a winner when it comes to pulling.
It’s usually a female friend who will turn up the second they hear you’ve been ditched, ostensibly offering support, but in reality wanting to suck as much sustanance as possible from your trauma. They will offer terrible advice, like ‘Why don’t you go round to their mums and see if she can help?’ because they get a sick thrill from your misery.
The person who makes it all about them
After listening to your woes for approximately three seconds, this friend will help by banging on about all the times they have been dumped, which are many and varied because they are a massive bellend. If you try and get a word in they’ll accuse you of being selfish and begin musing about whether that’s the real reason you were kicked to the kerb.
The misguided ego-inflater
There is invariably one friend who says ‘I always thought you were too good for them’, revealing that they’d never liked your partner. They will slag them off in every way possible, which, rather than making you feel better, will lead you to question your judgement and wonder if you’ll ever be happy again.