Sleeve tattoos and other ways for soft lads to look a bit hard

ARE you a man with the misfortune to be born with a kind face and an enduring love of your mum? Here’s how to develop some edge:

Buy tighter t-shirts

You could get shredded in the gym over 18 months, but that sounds like hard work. Instead, start buying t-shirts two sizes too small, thus giving the impression of being hench without any effort. You expect people to say you look like you can handle yourself, but actually they comment that you’re a bit chubby.

Get a sleeve tattoo

Got a couple of grand to burn? Why not score tough points with a natty sleeve tattoo? A few roses, a clock face, some angels, a bit of tribal art: literally any old shit will do. Plus, all the Premier League footballers have them and they’re definitely not poncy, salad-eating teetotallers.

Grow a beard

The easiest option as you don’t have to do anything. Facial hair just appears as instant hardness growing straight out of your head. Sure, it might look a bit patchy but everyone will be too intimidated to mention it. Or, in reality, they’ll laugh at you.

Swear more

A simple way to come across as tough is to throw a few extra f**ks about. Not in front of your mum, though, as she’ll tell you off for being a pathetic little twat and she’ll be right.

Shave your head

The easy shortcut to looking like a psycho. Buzz a number one all over and instantly jump up a few notches on the hard bastard league table. Just try not to get all self-conscious about your oddly shaped noggin and call your parents crying about having a cold head five minutes after doing it.

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Couple who've been messaging for 16 months end date after 15 minutes

A COUPLE who have been messaging each other since April last year have ended their first date after just 15 minutes. 

Ryan Whittaker and Sophie Rodriguez met on Tinder during the first lockdown and have been messaging, emailing and making FaceTime calls ever since while becoming increasingly infatuated with each other.

But, after travelling a combined 600 miles to meet in person, their first date ended when they both told their waiter that actually they would not be ordering food and would like the bill, please.

Rodriguez said: “You know when the awkward silence begins straight away, and yawns into a bottomless abyss which swallows all small talk into its strained, self-conscious maw? That.

“The conversation which once flowed so freely dried up to nothing. Everything I said was precisely the wrong thing to say as soon as it left my mouth. Everything he said was f**king stupid.

“We both had our phones out 10 minutes in. It was all I could do not to text Ryan, this great guy I’ve been messaging for ages, about how hilariously badly my shit date was going. But the date was with Ryan.”

Whittaker said: “Sometimes the chemistry’s not there, and sometimes there’s a horrible anti-chemistry that destroys everything within 300 yards. Plus her boobs looked bigger on Zoom.”