ARE you a man with the misfortune to be born with a kind face and an enduring love of your mum? Here’s how to develop some edge:
Buy tighter t-shirts
You could get shredded in the gym over 18 months, but that sounds like hard work. Instead, start buying t-shirts two sizes too small, thus giving the impression of being hench without any effort. You expect people to say you look like you can handle yourself, but actually they comment that you’re a bit chubby.
Get a sleeve tattoo
Got a couple of grand to burn? Why not score tough points with a natty sleeve tattoo? A few roses, a clock face, some angels, a bit of tribal art: literally any old shit will do. Plus, all the Premier League footballers have them and they’re definitely not poncy, salad-eating teetotallers.
Grow a beard
The easiest option as you don’t have to do anything. Facial hair just appears as instant hardness growing straight out of your head. Sure, it might look a bit patchy but everyone will be too intimidated to mention it. Or, in reality, they’ll laugh at you.
A simple way to come across as tough is to throw a few extra f**ks about. Not in front of your mum, though, as she’ll tell you off for being a pathetic little twat and she’ll be right.
Shave your head
The easy shortcut to looking like a psycho. Buzz a number one all over and instantly jump up a few notches on the hard bastard league table. Just try not to get all self-conscious about your oddly shaped noggin and call your parents crying about having a cold head five minutes after doing it.