Friday, 3rd July 2020

Barbecuing with the relatives and the other horrors available from today

AS OF this morning, residents of England can go for that barbecue at Uncle Brian’s they’ve been thirsting for. What other horrific activities can we no longer avoid? 

Cleaning your house

Unless you’ve got a side passage or visitors with top notch bladder control, any gathering in your garden will mean witnesses strolling through the chaotic squalor you’ve been living in for the past two months. Better hoover for the first time since March and hope to God they don’t open any doors.

Long car journeys

Enjoy getting back to weekends calling the sat nav a lying bastard and making now-perilous service station visits to get to a lovely country market town full of other nervous people. Urinate in a bush and drive all the way back the same day.

Chats at the school gates

One-upmanship at the school gate is back, with mandatory social distancing giving the show-offs the excuse they don’t need to shout about how well little Alex has been doing with his simultaneous equations and how the seven-year-old just reads on her own now, no coercion required.

Wearing actual clothes

As restrictions ease, the pressure is on to wear clothing that isn’t pyjamas. Prepare for some pretty uncomfortable days squeezed into jeans that were loose-fitting in March, back before you ate a block of cheese a day.

Feeling judged again

Now group meetings are permitted, you can compare the wreck that is your life to at least five other people’s at the same time! Enjoy hearing them tell you how much they have grown during lockdown and how unexpectedly busy work has been for them.

Family barbecues

Your sister is still better than you and your parents are trying and failing to pretend they get on after months locked up. Throw the stress of a barbecue into the mix and by early evening you’ll be necking the lighter fluid.