What to talk about now you can't go on a lavishly expensive holiday this year

DO you usually base 90 per cent of your conversations around your ludicrously expensive holiday plans? Here’s what to show off about in 2020 instead.

Your massive garden

If you can’t rub it in people’s faces that you’re spending a month in Tuscany this year, bang on about how wonderful your garden is instead. Especially effective if they’re trying to enjoy themselves on a lawn the size of a postage stamp and you throw in a comment about ‘the paddock’.

Your new hot tub

If you can’t get away to a luxury spa on a tranquil Greek island, why not bring the spa to your patio? You’ll find it hard to relax because it’s full of dead wasps and probably germs, but you don’t need to tell anyone that.

Your visits to National Trust properties

Most people join the National Trust so they have access to nice car parks close to the motorway. You joined because you want people to think you’re knowledgeable about landscape gardening when in fact you can’t tell Capability Brown from Charlie Dimmock.

Your staycation plans

At some stage lockdown will ease up enough for you to go on holiday in the UK. Choose somewhere suitably quaint and small like Padstow, where you and 500,000 other visitors can piss off the locals by parking your Range Rover across their drive in your haste to buy some freshly caught scallops for supper.

Your holiday next year

If all else fails, start talking about your holiday plans for 2021 instead. It will bring you comfort to imagine a fortnight in a luxury tree hut on the Serengeti plains, even though in reality you’ll probably be back in lockdown as the fourth coronavirus peak hits.





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Couple excited to invite friends round for a drink and a piss in their garden

A COUPLE are looking forward to lockdown easing enough to have friends over for a drink in their garden and a wee behind the shed.

Nikki and Steve Hollis are planning an elegant socially distanced cocktail party for six carefully chosen friends, who will be invited to take a slash somewhere outside when their bladders get too full.

Nikki Hollis said: “It’ll be lovely to see everyone again, but obviously we can’t let them in the house to use the toilet in case they spread coronavirus around.

“However, they’re welcome to make use of any discreet areas of the garden, for example the compost bin or the bit behind the garage that’s full of broken glass and nettles.

“Tom’s planning a barbecue with his signature spicy piri-piri chicken, which, combined with vast quantities of Prosecco, could lead to some people needing something more substantial than a wee.

“In that case, we’ll be sending them next door to use Mr Bishop’s lawn. His dog has crapped in our garden enough times, so we’re just returning the favour.”