Footballers picking up 100k a week to have sex with beautiful women when they're not even injured

FOOTBALLERS are currently being paid to have sex with beautiful women and drive expensive cars without having to kick a ball or suffer from thigh strain.

Premier League clubs have confirmed that footballers are still picking up their astronomical wages despite the most strenuous part of their day currently being ‘having sex with a pop star again’.

Sheffield United midfielder Wayne Hayes said: “I already thought being a footballer was the best job in the world, but since coronavirus came along it’s got even better.

“Not only do I still get paid a shitload of money and continue to be revered by men and women alike, but now I don’t even have to knacker my hamstrings playing football anymore.”

Football fan Tom Logan said: “I want to hate him, but I can’t. If anything, I admire footballers not playing football even more than when they were playing football.

“At least this way they can’t let me down by not being very good at it.”




Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Man interrupts woman to say he's a feminist

A MAN has interrupted a woman mid-sentence to inform her that he supports equal rights for women.

During a heated conversation about the equality of the sexes, Tom Booker displayed his innate respect for women by talking over housemate Mary Fisher in a loud, condescending voice.

Fisher said: “I -”

Booker added: “What Mary’s trying to say is that she can’t believe a guy like me who enjoys a pint and a kick about as much as the next bloke is also an ally of the feminist cause.

“If anything she’s the out-of-touch one for assuming otherwise. Just because I called Fleabag a load of boring girly claptrap doesn’t mean I can’t take an interest in their little issues.

“Women want it all, I get that. And nobody should stop them from buying shoes and having babies while juggling a high-flying career. It’s only fair.

“Anyway, egalitarian is a more accurate term. ‘Feminism’ leans a bit too much in women’s favour to be truly equal if you ask me. Which nobody ever has, weirdly.”