Being best man: Things people say are an honour but are actually a pain in the arse

BEEN asked by someone you love to do something special for them? Yep, it’s going to be a massive ballache with no benefit to you, isn’t it? Just like these ‘flattering’ offers.

Being best man

While it’s flattering that your mate values you so much, it quickly becomes clear that his wedding is now your full-time job, and you have to organise the stag, help him pick out a suit and calm his pre-wedding jitters, all on top of writing a speech that is both heartfelt and hilarious, without being too much of either. You begin wondering how to get yourself relegated to second-best friend.

Becoming a godparent

Initially you’re thrilled that your friends want to bestow this honour on you, but you soon realise how much of your time and money it’s going to take up. Birthday and Christmas presents, Easter eggs and back-to-school gifts are all expected, as is your presence at every single milestone, however minor. And if the parents both tragically die, you end up with a kid. You wish you’d said no, on religious grounds.

Doing a reading at a funeral

An honour, yes, but the weight of it is just too much. What if you trip up the step on your way to the lectern like a clown? What if you can’t get the words out? What if you’ve accidentally put a shopping list in your pocket instead of the poem you’ve been asked to read? What if you start giggling out of sheer nerves? You’ve done some regrettable things in your life, but you don’t fancy being ‘the person who ruined the funeral’.

Being keynote speaker at a conference

You’re at the top of your professional game, which is why the organisers of this conference want you to give the keynote speech. Yes. Which sounds great, but in practice you can’t get shitfaced the night before because you have to be on form for your slot and the next day is a protracted nightmare because you’re so nervous. Also you weren’t really chosen because you’re so brilliant at your job. It’s just that no other mug would agree to do it.

Meeting a member of the Royal Family

Prince William and Princess Kate are visiting your workplace and you’ve been chosen to shake hands with them. Your boss thinks you’ll be thrilled but actually you’re gripped with nervousness. You nip to the pub at lunchtime, then feel even more anxious you’ll be sacked for breathing booze fumes all over perfect Kate. Then they only stay for four minutes, only shake hands with a couple of people, not including you, and your lasting memory of this momentous day is going back to your desk and doing some work.

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How to f**k up ordering food from an app

THANKS to apps you can have food delivered direct to your gaping maw. But despite it supposedly being a piss-easy modern convenience, here’s how it can go horribly wrong.

Select the wrong location

Simply enter your address wrongly in your slavering desire for some questionable chow mein, or click on an old address, or it might just default to that anyway. You’ve now given a whole Chinese meal to a quick-thinking chancer who recognises a freebie. Just hope the MSG kills him.

Keep pressing

Occasionally your basket takes a second or two to process what you’re ordering. Ignore this and keep tapping repeatedly. You may even be hungry enough to eat 16 portions of chicken wings, if you’re a puma. If you realise you’ve overordered, curse the app and ring them instead, undergoing the usual humiliation of ordering from an ‘amusing’ pizza menu, eg. ‘I’d like a Big Man’s Mighty Meaty Mouthful.’

Tinker obsessively with the order

One sure-fire way to f**k-up the order is to micro-manage ingredients and add ridiculous notes, until you end up ordering a plain burger with no bun, one slice of pickle under melted Double Gloucester, streaky bacon – fried NOT grilled, a layer of ‘not too salsa-y salsa’ and chips which are ‘fatter than fries, but not as fat as steak chips’. The next time you try ordering from that restaurant shamefacedly notice they’ve simplified the menu options to stop twats like you wasting their time.

Don’t check anything

Food apps usually allow you to check your order before placing it. Ignore this and barrel straight through to paying without making sure you deselected the two huge 15” pizzas you clicked on before opting for two medium pizzas instead. Only realise you’ve spent 80 f**king quid on indifferent chain restaurant pizza when it’s too late.

Don’t place the order

You’ve chosen the food, checked the order, and now it’s just the waiting, and waiting. People may question whether you placed the order correctly. Assure them you are not blindingly stupid and everything is under control. Then check your phone and see the untapped ‘Order now’.

Order just before the shop closes

The app says the shop closes in three minutes, so place your order a generous 45 seconds before the cut-off point. Confidently await your food knowing the staff will definitely work late to provide you with a £4.99 kebab.