Bellends in your local park now it's sunny, ranked from worst to best

HOT weather is great until you go to the park and realise midges aren’t the only bastards the sun has brought out. But which annoyance makes you most want to destroy the place so no one can ever use it again?

6. Wasps

Wasps are the least of your worries in your local park – they can fly away from you or you can run away from them in an emasculating manner. An angry wasp trapped in your bedroom or car is a different matter altogether. If Elon Musk really wants to be remembered for contributing something to humanity, why doesn’t he invent a window a wasp can fly out of on its own? 

5. Ice cream vans

It makes good business sense for the ice cream man to park up by the playground, but it also means that every parent hates him. His van no longer needs to be a front for tobacco and/or drugs now he’s charging over a fiver for a 99, but even that price can’t be more disturbing than the weird painting of a deformed Goofy slobbering over a cone on the back of the van.

4. Weed smokers

They might have a mellower vibe than drinkers, but you won’t be feeling mellow when one of their mates turns up with a f**k-off speaker to play dub with bass so powerful it rattles your teeth. Still, at least it keeps you awake – unlike that Richard Osman book you were trying to finish. Shame you’re getting the munchies from the smoke, and the only nearby food source is a van selling salmonella with fried onions and ketchup.

3. Drinkers

You’re nostalgic for your days of drinking tinnies in the park until you have to sit near a bunch of lads getting progressively louder and swearier as the cans go down. And there’s the question of where is the worst place for the one with the feeble bladder to have the inevitable piss? Behind the tree next to you, or in a bottle in full view of all the families enjoying the park? Time to move before a Hard Dad comes over and the aggro starts.

2. Joggers

The fair-weather joggers now join the elite hardcore, and all of them run straight at you. Why should they risk adding 1/1000th of a second to their lap time by swerving around you when you can easily jump out of their way and be hit by a bike? Meanwhile, struggling first-time runners threaten to collapse and die in a wheezing heap as they stumble past your spot on the grass. Their bright red corpses would put such a downer on your trip out.

1. Circus ‘performers’

These pricks are intolerable when they string up a tightrope between a couple of beautiful trees so nobody can sit under them to get a bit of shade. You also have to observe a generous exclusion zone around their woeful attempts at chucking juggling clubs about. And to top it off the knobheads’ rejection of the social conventions of personal hygiene and deodorant means you don’t want to get downwind of them on a hot day.

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Keir Starmer: Stalin's Purges. The party leaders' actual favourite TV shows

THE party leaders have revealed their favourite TV shows, which is obviously a pack of lies intended to project how normal they are. Here’s what they really binge-watch.

Rishi Sunak 

Claimed favourite: Bridgerton

What they actually watch: Bloomberg Markets

Sunak is a reprehensible little worm who almost certainly said Bridgerton to curry favour with the public, despite never having watched it. ‘What do voters like watching on TV?’ he would have asked a spad. It’s a shame they didn’t reply ‘Fat Families’ because it would have been great to see him eviscerated for his love of cruel fatsploitation TV by Sophy Ridge. 

As a Star Wars fan you’d think Sunak might have said The Mandalorian, or even The Acolyte to look current. But really he’s the sort of rich person who has a TV permanently tuned to Bloomberg channel so he can check how his stocks are performing as he saunters to his home gym, ie. an absolute cock.

Keir Starmer

Claimed favourite: Friday Night Dinner

What they actually watch: Stalin’s Purges 

As if to reinforce accusations of being staid and boring, Starmer said he liked Friday Night Dinner but finds it ‘a bit close to the bone’ for his 13 and 15-year-old children. Which is confusing as it’s not that rude, is it? Is there an American Pie version where Simon Bird does things like f**king the roast chicken?

You’d think Starmer’s TV choice would reflect his main passion, which is expelling lefties from the Labour Party. As such it would surely be Stalin’s Purges on the History Channel, or the BBC’s Stalin: Inside the Terror. If only Jeremy Corbyn could be bundled off to Kolyma gulag instead of remaining a dangerous threat to the centrist regime in his allotment in Islington.

Nigel Farage

Claimed favourite: Baby Reindeer

What they actually watch: Nazi Mega Weapons 

Farage probably did watch the hugely-publicised Baby Reindeer, although it’s not clear what the exact appeal was for him personally. He’s a horrible person, so he probably just enjoyed laughing at a lonely fat woman crying.

However given Farage’s thinly-veiled admiration for Hitler and other fascists, he’s probably a sucker for the History Channel’s endless shoddy documentaries about the Third Reich. He’s probably got them all on DVD, but his favourite is undoubtedly Nazi Mega Weapons, with its V2s and Messerschmitt Komets that offered the remote but tantalising possibility of a global Nazi victory.

Ed Davey

Claimed favourite: Operation Ouch!, Something Special (and other ‘Mr Tumble’ shows), Horrible Histories

What they actually watch: The West Wing

Davey is a parent and, reasonably enough, his TV choices reflect that. However Justin Fletcher’s incredibly popular character Mr Tumble is a clueless, inept loser given to pratfalls, so it’s possible that Ed just finds him very relatable. 

Because he subconsciously realises he is the children’s clown of British politics, it’s likely Davey’s preferred viewing is The West Wing and he imagines himself to be a shrewd yet ethical prime minister in the style of Jed Bartlet. And what’s wrong with a bit of pure escapism?

John Swinney 

Claimed favourite: Live sport

What they actually watch: Human hunting

This is a painfully unimaginative choice by the SNP leader, and one that does him no electoral favours, so it must be true. However it leaves you desperately praying that Swinney has some sort of mental hinterland beyond ‘live sport’, and that it’s a euphemism for watching illegal, heavily-encrypted channels from Eastern Europe that show human beings being hunted to the death. ‘I love it when they gut them like pigs,’ says Swinney, hopefully – anything to make his TV choice less utterly boring and characterless.

Carla Denyer and Adam Ramsay

Claimed favourite: Borgen, Rebus, Death in Paradise, The West Wing, Doctor Who

What they actually watch: Top Gear

The Green Party co-leaders seem a lot less calculating than the others, and actually suggested a somewhat believable range of shows, although the heavy emphasis on crime dramas suggest they’re in the wrong job, and Doctor Who smacks of trying to appeal to strange woke youngsters, because who else wants to see the Doctor crying about everything?

However after doing Green politics all day, worrying about the environment, being progressive and liberal, sticking to a vegan diet and trying to recycle everything, the Green leaders will definitely need a break from Green shit. So their guilt-ridden pleasure is probably Top Gear, in which Clarkson and the man-children destroy Mother Earth in an orgy of midlife-crisis fossil fuel burning.