Birdwatching, and other hobbies suited to people who've given up on ever getting laid

ABANDONED all hope of getting a shag? Fill your time with one of these cripplingly dull hobbies where your lack of sexual charisma will see you fit right in.


The closest you’ll get to anything you’d describe as a ‘bird’, and deservedly so if you enjoy talking about women like you’ve stepped out of Carry On Up The Khyber. All that money you’re not spending on romantic meals out and sex toys can be used to buy a posh pair of binoculars and if you’re really lucky you might get to spot some avian mating. You pervert.


Even lower down the food chain of tragic male hobbies than trainspotters, bus-spotters spend their time tracking buses across their working service lives through various companies. At least trains retain some of the old fashioned glamour of the golden age of travel. Knowing the fleet number history of a particular Scania OmniTown is not going to get anyone hot for you. And if it does, you must marry her immediately.


Pretending you’re a mystical overlord of destruction using little plastic figurines which you should have grown out of by the time you were 10 is the perfect pastime for sexually inadequate failures. Luckily, the people hanging out with you in the Warhammer shop are like-minded male geeks, so there are no scary females around to intimidate you. It’s a safe space, and discussing the intricacies of the Helican Subsector is much easier than asking a woman if she’d like to go out for a drink with you.

WW2 re-enactment society

You’ve no future to look forward to, at least not in terms of a fulfilling relationship, so why not hark back to the halcyon days of Hitler, ration books and conscription? Women tend not to be so interested in running around a muddy field recreating the Second Battle of the Odon, so you’ve no worries about being distracted from your manoeuvres. And if they are around, they’ll be after the blokes confident and attractive enough to dress up as American GI’s, which will only add to the authenticity of your war experience.

Internet forums

This is a self-fulfilling prophecy in terms of not getting a shag, as the more hours you plough in online, the more likely you are to meet fellow incels who convince you the reason you haven’t had sex for three years is because women are evil and not because you spend all your time on a cryptocurrency forum. Take a break and touch grass, as you no doubt tell other terminally online saddos to do several times a day.

Watching cricket

Leave going to football matches to proper men with wives and girlfriends and immerse yourself in a sport so f**king tedious that half the players could lie down for a kip mid-contest and nobody would notice. It lasts all day, which means you at least get out of the house for a bit, and there is little worry of the woman sitting next to you giving you a spontaneous hug at a moment of high drama or excitement. Because there isn’t any.

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Woman believes social media best place to cry and discuss personal problems

A WOMAN is convinced social media is a suitable forum for her to cry and discuss her most intimate personal problems.

Sophie Rodriguez, aged 31, felt that an argument with boyfriend Jack Browne would be made better by posting a series of screenshots on her Instagram stories and that this was appropriate behaviour for a fully grown adult.

Rodriguez said: “Everyone knows a lover’s tiff is improved by bringing in the opinions of friends, acquaintances and total strangers, who always respond sincerely and have your best interests at heart.

“Sometimes I don’t even provide any context, and post a selection of shots of me weeping, so people feel obliged to get in touch saying things like ‘U ok hun? DM me’. Which I never do, as I’m only in it for the dopamine high of their immediate attention. I don’t actually want to discuss my feelings in a healthy way.

“Do I think it’s too much to reveal deepest, darkest secrets online? No, of course not. It’s not like social media is a fickle hellhole where people take screenshots and use them against you later.”

Browne said: “It drives me nuts when Sophie puts all this intimate stuff on the internet. I sent some pictures of her posts to a Reddit forum called ‘Is my girlfriend mental?’ and everyone agreed she shouldn’t be revealing private things like that.”