Birthday GIF takes care of friendship for another year

A HASTILY chosen ‘happy birthday’ GIF has taken care of two women’s friendship for another year. 

As Donna Sheridan turned 30 this week, friend Nikki Hollis sent her a short video which is slightly better than a cartoon picture of a birthday cake.   

Hollis said: “We’ve known each other since school and she’s one of my closest friends, so it’s important to really put the effort in. 

“I wouldn’t insult her with some basic GIF. I spent more than a minute scrolling before settling on the Beyonce birthday hip shake. It’s really entertaining for about three seconds.”

Sheridan claimed to be delighted to receive the missive and responded with the traditional ‘Thaaaaaaaanks’ followed by a heart emoji to show her gratitude.

She said: “There’s nothing like a short clip shared by millions of other people that took less than 90 seconds to send to celebrate the spirit of friendship.”

However mutual friend Eleanor Shaw is now in the doghouse after only sending an attachment-free WhatsApp message, with no emojis and only one exclamation mark.

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DUP to expand into f**king up other countries

THE DUP have confirmed they are not content with merely f**king up the UK and Ireland, and would like to move into f**king up bigger and better countries.

The party believes that their continual unhelpful interventions in the Brexit process have attracted attention on the world stage, and hope to set up franchises around the world. 

Leader Arlene Foster said: “We’ve got 10 MPs. We were elected with less than 300,000 votes. But we’ve proved our ability to bring far larger countries to their knees. 

“So The Little Party That Could F**k Things Up is going international. Whenever there’s a functioning democracy that needs everything bringing to a grinding halt, we’ll be there. 

“Imagine how great America could be if everything depended on the say-so of one party ruling one half of one tiny state who believed they were more American than anyone else. 

“Or Canada, or Nigeria, or China, or anywhere. All we need is one tiny foothold and we can frustrate everything. We’re the sand in democracy’s gears. 

“And it’s profitable. We’re looking at billions from this latest scam. And there’ll be more where that came from.”