Sunday, 27th September 2020

Most London flats actually worth £2,000

THE sane value of the vast majority of London flats is roughly £2,000, it has emerged.

Despite the six and seven-figure asking prices attached to cramped hovels located in some of the sh*ttiest areas of London, over 90 per cent of their ‘value’ is estate agent hype.

Surveyor Nathan Muir said: “Take an area like Lower Sydenham. When they say ‘lower’ they’re not talking geographically. They mean ‘mired even deeper in the urban cesspit than Upper Syndenham’.

“Like other parts of London, most local flats have all the crummy features you’d expect, such as tiny, oddly shaped rooms, a grotty hallway full of old post and mental neighbours. 

“And of course bathrooms with just a shower, the obligatory toilet seat that won’t stay up and a miniscule washbasin that looks like a toy one for children."

London flat buyer Emma Bradford said: “I’ve just bought a place in a weed-ridden, half-boarded up mortuary of a suburb, overshadowed by a mega-B&Q and decommissioned gasworks and littered with abandoned Lidl trolleys.

“It came with a malfunctioning washing machine though, so for £850,000 I think I’ve got a bargain.”