Most London flats actually worth £2,000

THE sane value of the vast majority of London flats is roughly £2,000, it has emerged.

Despite the six and seven-figure asking prices attached to cramped hovels located in some of the sh*ttiest areas of London, over 90 per cent of their ‘value’ is estate agent hype.

Surveyor Nathan Muir said: “Take an area like Lower Sydenham. When they say ‘lower’ they’re not talking geographically. They mean ‘mired even deeper in the urban cesspit than Upper Syndenham’.

“Like other parts of London, most local flats have all the crummy features you’d expect, such as tiny, oddly shaped rooms, a grotty hallway full of old post and mental neighbours. 

“And of course bathrooms with just a shower, the obligatory toilet seat that won’t stay up and a miniscule washbasin that looks like a toy one for children.”

London flat buyer Emma Bradford said: “I’ve just bought a place in a weed-ridden, half-boarded up mortuary of a suburb, overshadowed by a mega-B&Q and decommissioned gasworks and littered with abandoned Lidl trolleys.

“It came with a malfunctioning washing machine though, so for £850,000 I think I’ve got a bargain.”


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No-deal Brexit worth it if it means never hearing about 'the 17.4 million' again

BRITONS will happily accept food shortages and a tanking economy if they never have to hear the words ‘the 17.4 million’ ever again.

Despite an extension to Brexit being less damaging than no-deal, most people will take their chances with hunger and misery if they can escape the tedious phrase.

Office worker Tom Booker, 42, said: “I would cheerfully fight my own mother for her last tin of baked beans if I never have to hear that number from some sanctimonious Leave-voting tosser again.

“Just the thought of them shutting up about their non-mandate to shaft the whole country makes me really look forward to grilling a dead pigeon to go with some Smash.”

Solicitor Emma Bradford said: “I’ll happily honour their precious referendum result if they just stop repeating ‘17.4 million’ like brain-damaged parrots.

“But maybe it will be fun when the other 50 million members of the population realise they’ve been dragged back into the Dark Ages by a minority of nostalgic twats all voting for random things.”

However Brexiter Norman Steele said: “17.4 million. You can’t argue with a big number like that.”