How to make a twat of yourself with email and texts

EMAIL and texting are now part of everyday life, but it’s still possible to make an arse of yourself. Here are some of the best techniques.

Drunkenly text or email someone you barely know

Alcohol can give you a strange urge to communicate, either out of boozy friendliness or in a pathetic attempt to eventually shag someone. Extra twat points if your message is sh*tfaced gibberish, eg. ‘im heaving a drong [email protected]&£??’.

Forward someone an email slagging them off 

Easily done with long threads where, buried in chit-chat with someone else, is your less-than-complimentary comment ‘Emma’s an awful annoying cow’. Emma WILL read all the way down and she WILL cry and hate you forever.

Use the technology inappropriately 

A brief text saying ‘NE1 fancy a drink after work?’ is pretty much what texting was designed for. ‘Sorry ur dad is dead’ isn’t.

Use kisses on work emails

This will spread like a f*cking disease through any company where people do it. Eventually every email will be signed off with several kisses, however inappropriate, eg. ‘Brian, has maintenance got back about the blocked toilet in the gents? Dave xxx.’

Send the message to the wrong person 

‘U make me hard baby!’ is probably something you don’t want to send to your 82-year-old mum, but it’s a risk if you’re a moron who can’t stop frantically texting all day. Also it shows you think ‘sexting’ is erotic, which is even worse.

Be unbelievably f*cking stupid

If a building is on fire, including your own home, it’s better to call 999 than email [email protected]