How to make a twat of yourself with email and texts

EMAIL and texting are now part of everyday life, but it’s still possible to make an arse of yourself. Here are some of the best techniques.

Drunkenly text or email someone you barely know

Alcohol can give you a strange urge to communicate, either out of boozy friendliness or in a pathetic attempt to eventually shag someone. Extra twat points if your message is sh*tfaced gibberish, eg. ‘im heaving a drong [email protected]&£??’.

Forward someone an email slagging them off 

Easily done with long threads where, buried in chit-chat with someone else, is your less-than-complimentary comment ‘Emma’s an awful annoying cow’. Emma WILL read all the way down and she WILL cry and hate you forever.

Use the technology inappropriately 

A brief text saying ‘NE1 fancy a drink after work?’ is pretty much what texting was designed for. ‘Sorry ur dad is dead’ isn’t.

Use kisses on work emails

This will spread like a f*cking disease through any company where people do it. Eventually every email will be signed off with several kisses, however inappropriate, eg. ‘Brian, has maintenance got back about the blocked toilet in the gents? Dave xxx.’

Send the message to the wrong person 

‘U make me hard baby!’ is probably something you don’t want to send to your 82-year-old mum, but it’s a risk if you’re a moron who can’t stop frantically texting all day. Also it shows you think ‘sexting’ is erotic, which is even worse.

Be unbelievably f*cking stupid

If a building is on fire, including your own home, it’s better to call 999 than email [email protected]

Lucky childless bastard gets to stay in bed when ill

A LUCKY bastard without kids was so sick he spent three uninterrupted days in bed recovering. 

Tom Logan was unable to do anything except lie down, watch TV and drink Lemsip, and because he has no children was perfectly free to do so.

Colleague and father-of-three Will McKay said: “Apparently he was so ill he did nothing but lie there sweating for 72 hours. Absolute bliss.

“I had the flu last winter. I still had to do the school run, the washing, sit waiting outside Cubs in the car with occasional vomit breaks, the lot.

“If he wants to know what suffering is he wants to try getting the kids dressed, changing their nappies, taking them to the park, cooking their dinners and spending three hours as a human bouncy castle while trying not to pass out with fever.

“Apparently all he could manage to watch were old Friends episodes. When I finally got to sit down wrapped in a blanket I bingewatched Paw Patrol. He doesn’t know he’s born.”

Logan said: “This is the worst week of my life. All I can do is lie here. Alone. Miserable. I can’t imagine how awful your life would have to be to envy this.”