Seven reasons why it's not your fault

SOMETHING terrible has happened and technically it was your area of responsibility. But it’s not your fault. Here’s why: 

You didn’t know

Nobody told you that if you did the thing you did the whole server would be deleted. Or not in any kind of a provable way, anyway. The real villain is everyone who didn’t tell you, who by coincidence are the very ones currently telling you off.

The system’s wrong

Any kind of system that’s exposed to a colossal failure like this is clearly flawed, and with respect that seems to be the real issue here. If simply pushing one lever can destroy £360,000 worth of production, whoever designed that needs their ar*e kicking.

It’s not your job

You were only doing this to help out. It’s not really your job, it’s a temporary thing you’ve taken on. For the last ten months. So really they should be asking Janine why those murderers were given early release without tagging.

It was a mistake

Everyone makes mistakes. Nobody can get everything right all the time. Alright, not every mistake leads to breaches of international law which could see the company directors imprisoned for life, but you’re not a robot!


If you’ve got a fault it’s that you try too hard. All you were doing was trying to boost the business. You can’t make an omelette without breaking eggs, after all, or in this case without a number of staff going mysteriously missing and the papers hearing about it.

You’re new

You’ve only been with the company for a few months, or years or whatever, so naturally there are going to be a few teething troubles. You’re just like a little newborn baby fawn and your errors are cute really, so who cares what happened to the Rotherham office?

It’s a learning opportunity

The buck stops here, you’re facing up to your mistakes, you’ve come clean and admitted it and should get full credit for it. Now let this be an example we can all learn from and put all talk of punishment aside. Nobody wants to work in a blame culture. How many dead, in the end?

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'They'll forget about you, too' prosecco warns gin

PROSECCO has told gin to enjoy its moment as Britain’s booze du jour while it can, because it will not last. 

The sparkling Italian wine has bitterly advised the juniper-based spirit that it was not so long ago that it was the name on everybody’s lips and barbecue aprons, but nothing lasts forever.

It continued: “The public are fickle. One day there couldn’t be a hen party without you, the next you’re yesterday’s news.

“Sure, at the moment it’s all comparison pieces in the Sunday papers and being fine to drink with breakfast. But soon enough their disloyal palates move on to some flashy new booze.

“It’s a great trick you’ve got with all the different flavours. Love it. Enjoy it while it lasts, because one day it’ll be you watching shocked from behind the bar as they get sh*tfaced on whatever the next thing is.

“Gin o’clock. God, when they say that. It used to be my time.”

Experts agree that gin has another 18 months maximum as the nation’s favourite tipple, before Britain moves on to either artisanal rums, añejo tequilas or Argentinian fernet, but probably not stout.