The Daily Mail reader's guide to Extinction Rebellion

ARE you a Daily Mail reader? Is your hatred of Extinction Rebellion furious, irrational and entirely uninformed?

Confirm your prejudices about these privileged eco-bastards below:

Who are ‘Extinction Rebellion’?

A terrorist organisation formed of social degenerates including environmentalists, students, luvvies, Guardian readers, vegetarians and supply teachers. Their leader is evil 16-year-old Stalin-wannabe Greta Thunberg.

What do they want? 

To make us live in a primitive Stone Age society where all technology is banned. They particularly want to remove mankind’s most fundamental right: driving a car. Despite this they are all sickening hypocrites who own mobile phones and visit doctors when ill.

Are they dangerous? 

Yes. They claim to be peaceful but only because Greta has not yet ordered them to invade your home to free your tortoise or set off a thermonuclear device in a major city. These fanatics would prefer millions of humans to die rather than upset an earthworm.

What would happen if they took over?

Criticism of the global warming myth will be illegal and ordinary citizens would face show trials and the gulag for eating a sausage. Animals will be given authority over humans, so your next boss will be a squirrel and a seagull could requisition your bedroom.

How can I protect my family from Extinction Rebellion? 

If you see warning signs that Extinction Rebellion is about to attack – young people, a mention of climate change without the prefix ‘so-called’, an older woman with a hemp tote bag – immediately vacate the area for a safe space, eg. Wetherspoons.

What should I do if someone expresses sympathy for these scum?

Tie them to a chair and begin a ‘deprogramming’ regime by force-feeding them bacon and making them watch The Grand Tour. It’s the only sane thing to do.

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Exhausted Danny Dyer gives whole Cockney thing a rest

EASTENDERS star Danny Dyer has let his guard down and dropped the whole Cockney pretence at a dinner party with friends.

Dyer, who admits he is exhausted after keeping it up for years, surprised guests by dropping into flawless Queen’s English, enunciating his vowels and consonants perfectly and using not a single word of slang.

Close friend Denys Finch Hatton said: “I have every sympathy. He never expected he’d be trapped in his role for that long.

“It was only meant to be temporary, but then he kept getting cast in films and they’d be disappointed when he turned up on set with his top hat and his silver cane so he became accustomed to staying in character.

“Then there was the whole ‘deadliest men’ period, and then this ‘soap opera’ as I believe the unwashed call them, and as it’s all turned out he hasn’t had a break from being a Cockney in close to a decade. The poor lamb.”

Dyer said: “It’s been non-stop. Occasionally I deserve a night off from conversing like a 19th-century boot-blacking urchin.

“What the layman fails to realise is that Cockney is one of the most difficult dialects for a non-speaker to master. Much harder than Mandarin.”