Thursday, 13th May 2021

The Daily Mail reader's guide to Extinction Rebellion

ARE you a Daily Mail reader? Is your hatred of Extinction Rebellion furious, irrational and entirely uninformed?

Confirm your prejudices about these privileged eco-bastards below:

Who are ‘Extinction Rebellion’?

A terrorist organisation formed of social degenerates including environmentalists, students, luvvies, Guardian readers, vegetarians and supply teachers. Their leader is evil 16-year-old Stalin-wannabe Greta Thunberg.

What do they want? 

To make us live in a primitive Stone Age society where all technology is banned. They particularly want to remove mankind’s most fundamental right: driving a car. Despite this they are all sickening hypocrites who own mobile phones and visit doctors when ill.

Are they dangerous? 

Yes. They claim to be peaceful but only because Greta has not yet ordered them to invade your home to free your tortoise or set off a thermonuclear device in a major city. These fanatics would prefer millions of humans to die rather than upset an earthworm.

What would happen if they took over?

Criticism of the global warming myth will be illegal and ordinary citizens would face show trials and the gulag for eating a sausage. Animals will be given authority over humans, so your next boss will be a squirrel and a seagull could requisition your bedroom.

How can I protect my family from Extinction Rebellion? 

If you see warning signs that Extinction Rebellion is about to attack – young people, a mention of climate change without the prefix ‘so-called’, an older woman with a hemp tote bag – immediately vacate the area for a safe space, eg. Wetherspoons.

What should I do if someone expresses sympathy for these scum?

Tie them to a chair and begin a ‘deprogramming’ regime by force-feeding them bacon and making them watch The Grand Tour. It’s the only sane thing to do.