Will Boris Johnson make it down the narrow pathway to a Brexit deal, or toss himself off?

THE prime minister has two choices. To edge down the narrow pathway to a Brexit deal, or to commit an act of self-abuse that will ruin everything. Which will he choose? 

Going for a deal

If he gets a Brexit deal with the EU through Parliament, Johnson would go down in history. Certain to win an election as the man who united a divided country, he would reshape the Conservatives – and Britain – in his own image. Sounds an awful lot like hard work. Wrecking the UK would be easier.

Walking out

Any Brexit deal would involve long negotiations with the EU, which seems like the very thing we voted against. If Brexit’s about anything, surely it’s about having no time for foreigners and their jibber-jabber. Better just to not bother and hope for the best.

Wanking off

For some, becoming prime minister is about serving the country. For others, becoming prime minister was an easy way out of a dead-end PR job. But for Johnson, becoming prime minister was a big old wank in the nation’s face. A bit of Brexit brinksmanship right now would be just the thing.

Boris droop

Whapping out the old de Pfeffel is fine in a fantasy when everyone’s impressed, but the first inklings are beginning to stir that it won’t work quite like that in real life. Instead Johnson may find himself standing, trousers around ankles, being gawped at by the world’s leaders like a masturbating chimp in a cruel zoo.

Cui bono

Who do you really want to serve, as prime minister? The people? The new definition of the people, which begins with the 17.4m who voted Leave and subtracts all the weaklings who’ve selfishly changed their minds or died? Or the right-wing press? Well, can ‘the people’ offer a seven-figure position post-resignation?

Maximum clarity

Any Brexit deal with the EU will then have to pass through Parliament, then the Lords, then there will probably need to be an extension, then there’s the whole political agreement and trade deal to negotiate post-Brexit, which is apparently the difficult bit. On the other hand, you know where you are with a wank.

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Pedantic twat's hobby is hating films everyone loves

A MAN has admitted his main pastime is despising films that are univerally adored. 

Julian Cook, aged 35, spends his private time watching the films sneeringly and his social time slapping people in the face with his heretical views about their favourite movies.

He said: “Whether it’s classics like Citizen Kane or Apocalypse Now, family favourites like ET or Star Wars, or critically-acclaimed hits like Moonlight or There Will Be Blood, I hate them all.

“I began as a child, when my little brother loved Jurassic Park and to annoy him I called it ‘barely-competent hackwork’. He cried for days, even though neither of us knew what it meant.

“It gave me such a buzz. The same buzz I’m chasing today when I tell cineastes that Scorsese’s a limited director of identikit Mafia crap, or when I break the news to sci-fi freaks that Blade Runner’s nothing but a Duran Duran video with a voiceover.

Other classics that Cook has dismissed for sport include Gone With the Wind, ‘dated and racist’, The Lion King, ‘sentimental patriarchal crap’ and Rocky, ’Three Oscars? For losing a fight?’

He added: “I’ve only once considered giving up this hobby that’s brought me such joy, when my Auntie Jean punched me to the ground at Christmas when I said Mamma Mia! ‘lacked all nuance’.

“I wouldn’t have minded, but that was a totally legitimate opinion.”