A RECORD number of people have holidayed at home this year, thanks to Covid. Here’s why they hated it:
There were British wankers everywhere
One of the benefits of a foreign holiday is getting away from the completely f**king awful British public. Not on a staycation. No, you might have found a Fanta Lemon to sip peacefully on a British beach but two metres away are an extremely loud family of eight from Preston, a Scottish pensioner in Speedos and a billion feral seagulls.
It cost more than the Seychelles
With accommodation laying dormant for over a year, you could forgive owners for nudging their prices up a bit. But, instead, they decided to utterly take the piss. Smash the piggybank, cash in those shares and remortgage: it now costs more for a B&B in Torquay than a luxury hotel on an exotic archipelago in the Indian Ocean.
Everywhere decent was booked
If, like a normal person, you left it to the last second to book your break, you’ll have discovered everywhere good got snapped up 12 months ago. But it’s the summer holidays. You will not be defeated. You have to get away. Even if it means an entire fortnight exploring the majestic wonders of Hull.
You understand exactly what you’re spending
On proper holidays you’re never quite sure what things cost. Sadly there’s no exciting foreign currency you can spend like Monopoly money over here, no krona or pesos or dollars, just pounds and pence. So you know what that round of ice creams just cost you and it was sixteen bloody quid.
You can’t show anyone your blue passport
One side effect of a UK holiday is that, disappointingly, you won’t be able to show anyone your fancy new blue passport. Meaning it’ll be next summer before many Brexiters can slap it down on the desk at passport control with a twinkle in their eye that says ‘We’ve got our country back’, before pissing off somewhere nicer.