Treading on a slug barefoot and other hideous encounters with nature

NATURE is truly beautiful, until one of these nightmares happens that makes you involuntarily retch:

Treading on a slug in your bare feet

It’s wonderful to step outside barefoot in the cooling rain on a summer’s evening, but you’re the wet also brings out horrible, slimy creatures. Your sense of being at one with the natural world will vanish in an instant when a bastard slug bursts and squelches up between your toes.

Walking face first into a spider’s web

Why do spiders make their webs at face height? Because they’re vindictive little shits who love nothing more than seeing your terror-stricken reaction as you blunder into their handiwork. And aside from their joy at your terror, they chortle as their devil’s candyfloss silk will never come off your shirt.

Rescuing something the cat brought in

Cats act suspiciously all the time, but if you notice yours is particularly shifty it’s because it has caught a tiny mouse, released it into the house and is now terrorising it for fun. By the time you manage to capture it to return it to the wild, the mouse is a mangled mess of fur, bones and teeny vital organs. It will not live.

Going over a snail with the lawnmower

No warning, just a split second between hearing the shell shatter and having its goo-infested contents fly up and hit you in the face. Just pray your mouth is closed at the time otherwise you’ll end up swallowing half of it, which will be vile even if you did once order escargot in Brittany.

Anything whatsoever involving earwigs

Any creature with a pair of pliers for an arse will make your stomach turn and rightly so. If you find one running up your arm it will take every ounce of self-control not to vomit in the shrubbery, and you’ll spend the rest of the evening petrified that the reason they’re called earwigs is because they like to crawl in through your ears and lay eggs in your brain.

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Covid-19 leaves Reading Festival early muttering 'I didn’t think it’d be this f**king rough'

THE Covid-19 virus has left the Reading Festival a day early admitting it had underestimated just how f**king rough it would be.

The coronavirus was initially excited to get together with huge numbers of unvaccinated young people, and was also really looking forward to the Wolf Alice set. But, horrified by the appalling conditions and behaviour, it has gone home after two days.

It said: “I thought I was hard, just because I’ve killed four-and-a-half million people, but I now realise I was wrong.

“I headed straight down the front for Stormzy to really get down and dirty with everyone, and f**k me. It was utterly horrendous. The mud, the people, the stench, the sheer inhuman cruelty of the whole thing.

“After I escaped I roamed the site, witnessing horror after horror. Pissing in bottles, drunken bikers falling on tents of sleeping teenagers, men being robbed at knifepoint for a sixteenth of weed, everyone being robbed buying drinks.

“If people are willing to subject themselves to this hell then I don’t want to have anything to do with them. I’m going back to bats.”

Attendee Ryan Whittaker said: “Covid? Yeah, saw that f**ker. Smashed it in the face and nicked its pint, but apparently it can’t take a joke.”