'Can’t believe we got through it' says employed homeowner with loving family and no worries

A MAN with no real-world problems is amazed that he and his family have survived the UK’s winter lockdown.

Having faced no adversity beyond occasionally hearing about his wife’s struggles to book an Ocado slot, Martin Bishop is relieved that the overwhelming weight of lockdown is beginning to lift.

Bishop said: “It’s incredible that our close-knit nuclear family stayed sane despite the fact that we had to stay in the confines of our spacious home and massive garden for so long.

“Homeschooling the kids was tough because we had to make sure they were sitting in front of their laptops to learn from the private school teachers we pay thousands of pounds each term.

“Not to mention the fact that we all had to hop into the Land Rover and go for a drive whenever the cleaner was in, just in case she breathed her low-income viral load on us.”

Bishop’s wife, Marianne, said: “We’re going to buy ourselves a treat as a pat on the back for doing so well. Just something small, like a holiday cottage in Penzance.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Whether to watch Finding Dory for the 67th time - a child discusses the pros and cons

AS a child, should you subject your parents to the 67th viewing of Finding Dory, or try a film you’ve never seen before? Here six-year-old Lauren Hewitt weighs up the arguments.

I love Finding Dory. It’s the bestest film in the whole world, but Mummy and Daddy keep trying to get me to watch something else for some reason. 

Daddy says: ‘If we have to watch a f**king kids film again then can’t it at least be a classic like Fantasia or Who Framed Roger Rabbit?’ He gets quite agitated, so that’s kind of a downside.

But then I cry really loudly while holding up my Finding Dory DVD and Mummy gives him a menacing stare and he’s forced to watch it with me. So actually watching Finding Dory needn’t be a problem.

Knowing exactly what is going to happen in Finding Dory and that everything will be alright in the end makes me feel safe and secure. If I watched something different there might be scary bits. So that’s a ‘pro’.

We saw The Good Dinosaur at the cinema and it ended up bleaker than Nil By Mouth. It freaked my beans and I resolved never to watch anything different ever, ever, ever, ever again. Which shows you should stick with Finding Dory.

Mummy can’t watch Finding Dory without a bottle of her special fruit drink, so she’s usually asleep by the time Dory meets Hank at the aquarium. But the main thing is she usually gives in.

So to conclude, I’d say keep watching Finding Dory. I think we’ll have our 68th screening tonight.