Centrist dads suffering life-threatening erections

SENSIBLE centrist fathers are being rushed to A&E with cases of 11-hour election-induced priapism, it has emerged. 

Middle-aged men with mortgages have seen the Conservatives destroyed, Penny Mordaunt cast down into the gutter and the Lib Dems resurgent and found themselves thoroughly and lastingly aroused.

Doctor Helen Archer said: “We know exactly which ones they are as soon as they come in. You can see it through their lycra cycling gear.

“For most it began with the exit poll, when they looked down to find themselves hugely tumescent seemingly without stimulus. As their diamond-hard dicks refused to diminish they were banished from the bed by their wives.

“The all-night election coverage only made it throb even more, especially when Carol Vorderman was on Channel 4 and by 5am, when Labour were confirmed as winners, they recognised this wasn’t going to go away without medical intervention.”

Father and Kia Sportage driver Martin Bishop said: “What if it doesn’t go down for a generation? I’m light-headed over here. I can’t spend the whole five years in the shed.”

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'Toolmaking time's over, bitches'

THE new prime minister has announced the end of toolmaking time and the beginning of a new era of liberal elitism. 

Keir Starmer, now in command of a massive Labour majority, has moved on from discussing his humble origins to focus on his power-crazed future of outlawing common sense and reversing Brexit.

He said: “You may have noticed that I skirted around what I planned to do when elected prime minister. This was deliberate.

“But now I have won my majority – is it super? Can we get Angela to check that? – I no longer need to hark on about tools, their making, or the paternal figure responsible. I’ve got borders to open.

“The rich will be taxed, the public sector will be paid, human rights will be protected in law. That last sentence was absolutely terrifying if you’re a Tory.

“I am now, the results rolling in continue to confirm, the f**king daddy and daddy is going to do whatever daddy wants to. And it ain’t making f**king tools.”

Voter Tom Logan said: “Him? We didn’t elect him, not really. He’s just a by-product of kicking out the Tories.”