Confident bastard loves dancing

A CONFIDENT prick actually enjoys spontaneously jerking his body around to music while other people watch, it has emerged.

Nathan Muir actively seeks out environments in which he can show off what he refers to as his ‘moves’.

Muir’s friend, 31-year-old Tom Booker, said: “Nate’s always dragging us out clubbing, a phase of our lives which should, by all objective standards, be reaching its natural conclusion by now.

“He doesn’t even have the decency to awkwardly shuffle about, out of time to the music, with his eyes glued to the floor like the rest of us. He’s really enjoying it, the freak.

“Has he no shame? I don’t just mean feeling ashamed of his lame dance moves, but also the general sense of all-pervasive shame that all normal men should feel.

“Last week at a festival he flailed his arms about so much that he hit a girl on the ear. I thought her boyfriend might kill him, but she didn’t have one and now she’s going out with Nathan.

“Happy, confident people really are the worst bastards.”

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Woman would, if she's honest with herself, shag that builder

A WOMAN idling at traffic lights by a building site has privately admitted that she would shag that one in the hi-viz. 

Accountant Carolyn Ryan was driving through central Birmingham when she found herself, almost against her will, conceding that there is just something about a man with cement splashes up his trousers and no top that gets her motor running.

She continued: “I like a bookish sort of bloke, well-educated, who respects women and speaks at least two languages. Also, that thick brickie can get it whenever he wants.

“I know, I know, it’s such a bloody cliche but come on, look at the muscles on that bastard. It’d be like having a go on a bouncy castle. And there’s something refreshing about a man who doesn’t understand anything.

“We’d do it once before he’d washed or anything, then he could shower all the grime and filth off and we’d do it again. After that he could have a look at that loose slab on the patio.”

Builder Wayne Hayes said: “Yep, I love a dirty posh bird especially if they’ve got big knockers.

“Just kidding. I’m gay.”