For two weeks a year we pretend to give a f**k about tennis, Englishman explains to foreign colleague

A BRITISH man has patiently explained to an Italian colleague that for a fortnight every year England pretends to like tennis.

The Italian, who genuinely likes the sport, was thrilled and puzzled to find himself in a nation of fervent tennis fans. 

English co-worker Tom Logan said: “Yeah no you were right the first time. We don’t care about it even slightly. It’s just this fortnight we pretend we do. 

“I mean when you asked Dan about the French Open, and he froze up? That’ll be everybody. Tennis does literally not exist for us outside of Wimbledon. 

“No, no, the World Cup thing, that’s real. We’re interested in football pretty much the whole time. And cricket, and rugby, and we even like Formula One. It’s only tennis where we have this traditional ‘fake fan fortnight’.

“So who’re the contenders this time? Is… Federman still in it? Sorry. It’s been literally 50 weeks.” 

Colleague Giovanni Piscopo said: “Every time I think I have reached the edge of English weirdness, I realise I am just starting anew.” 

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True crime not for weirdos if it's a podcast

BEING obsessed with murderers is fine if you get the podcasts rather than the magazines, it has been confirmed.

’True crime’ had been considered the preserve of people who wear fingerless gloves and always have their curtains drawn, but it is now socially acceptable to be into real-life murder cases if you enjoy them in podcast form.

Julian Cook, host of the Boutique Vintage Murders podcast said: “We’re making stories about poisoning your wife tasteful.

“This isn’t titillating nonsense for those shut-ins who buy Britain’s Ten Most Deadly in paperback from a charity shop, or who subscribe to Gruesome Murder & Wordsearch Magazine.”

True crime aficionado Emma Bradford said: “I like Manchester City, house music, and hearing the stories of men who killed their neighbours with a claw hammer, as told by someone called Daryl who speaks very slowly.

“But I’m never read a murder magazine. I’m not a sicko.”