Couple buying everything from 'independent retailers' this Christmas told to f*ck off

A COUPLE who are doing their Christmas shopping at independent retailers instead of buying the same stuff cheaper online have been told to f*ck off.

The Logans have explained that they will be purchasing everything from their local butcher and those gift shops that never take card payments.

Gemma Logan said: “And we plan to buy all our groceries from local farm shops. Apart from that nice champagne you can only get in Waitrose and that delicious M&S smoked salmon mousse.

“And it just wouldn’t be Christmas without a few essentials from Harvey Nicks, but apart from that I fully intend to support local businesses.

“I read that every time you buy from an independent retailer an actual person does a happy dance. Bless them.”

Mum of three, Nikki Hollis, said: “I’d be doing a happy dance if I just sold a f*cking candle for 200 quid.

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Five coups more successful than Jacob Rees-Mogg's

AFTER years claiming to be a powerful Conservative force, Jacob Rees-Mogg’s attempt to unseat May has left him as humiliated as his tiny mentula left him in the showers at Eton.

But which coups have been more successful?

Bay of Pigs
The attempted coup which sparked the Cuban Missile Crisis, the assassination of JFK and left Fidel Castro in power for the next 55 years was still better than Jacob Rees-Mogg’s failed bid to get enough letters to depose a hugely unpopular prime minister.

The 2016 Labour leadership coup
Recognising the categorical unfitness for government of Jeremy Corbyn, Labour MPs forced a leadership contest but then forgot to put up a rival candidate. Corbyn won and everyone agreed he would be a great prime minister after all.

Mark Thatcher and Equatorial Guinea
Margaret Thatcher’s son attempted the violent overthrow of a country to win his mother’s love, but his army was caught before even getting there and he was tried, sentenced and castrated live on Radio Asonga.

Mutya Buena seizes control of the Sugababes
Having ruthlessly disposed of Siobhán, Buena was poised to take total power and planned a thousand-year Sugababe dynasty. However she lasted only days before being assassinated by former ally Keisha, ironically later to be overthrown herself.

When someone drove a tank to the BBC to get Clarkson back on Top Gear
Pre-Brexit, when nothing really mattered, a doomed bid to see violent offender Jeremy Clarkson reinstated on Top Gear saw a man dressed as the Stig drive a tank to Broadcasting House to deliver a petition. Which was ignored.