Couple can't believe how much money they've saved by being middle class during lockdown

A MIDDLE-CLASS couple are amazed at how much extra money they have after stopping meals out, theatre trips and citybreaks while still being paid high salaries in stable jobs.

Julian and Carolyn Cook have realised their lifestyle of cheese boards in gastropubs, premium seats in boutique cinemas and jam splurges in English Heritage gift shops was absolutely haemorrhaging cash.

Julian said: “We’ve both been working from home, obviously, because we have good white-collar jobs so our income hasn’t dipped at all.

“But we’ve literally saved thousands on not buying smoothies and salads and wasabi peas for work lunches, let alone sushi.

“Nursery fees have been replaced by Disney Plus and six kilos of Play-Doh, we no longer eat at restaurants with ‘artisan’ and ‘grass fed’ on the menu, and Carolyn’s never in Zara or Joseph. For us, this pandemic is a bit of a boom time.”

Carolyn agreed: “I never used to think about it, but spa weekends add up. I’ve saved over £3,000 on those alone.

“And of course we haven’t had to to pay our cleaner for months. I hope she’s taken the opportunity for her to put her feet up. She always looked so tired.”

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How to pretend it wasn't a U-turn

COMPLETELY changed your mind in 24 hours, making transport secretary Grant Shapps look a dick again? Pretend you didn’t: 

Never heard of him

Claim to be completely ignorant of that day’s leading news story, the footballer Marcus Rashford, the sport of football and the concept of sport. Add that you are very busy despite the colossal lack of evidence.

It was magic

If there’s been some kind of furore and an entire country thinks you’re a tightfisted bastard, ignore it. Act as if your change of heart arrived as if by magic and no one else’s opinion had any influence on it.

Thought it through and reconsidered

Alternatively, you could pretend you thought about your decision really hard and then reversed it after examining the evidence. It’s not something you’d ever do, but necessary when even the most hardline rightwing lunatics that voted for you are having doubts.

Better you notice this than the other thing

Running the country with the most shambolic response to a global pandemic? Anything that distracts, even a humiliating u-turn and modest act of decency you had your arm twisted into agreeing to, is fine.

Sorry not sorry

Having the balls to admit you were wrong and apologise is an act of integrity, so don’t do it. Your ego might take a hit and that must be avoided because though massive, it’s terrifyingly fragile, like a blimp.

Don’t give a toss

The chances are that if you’re this easily persuaded into a U-turn you don’t give a toss anyway, so why pretend? Ruffle your hay bale hair and carry on regardless.