What unnecessary shite are you getting from the shops?

WITH shops open again, it’s time for a zombie-like stagger through them for stuff you don’t want that won’t make you happy. Like these: 

Gardening bollocks

A vague memory of planning to grow turnips in early lockdown sees you buy 12 plant pots. You probably won’t ever use them but indulge your wildest fantasies. If you want to be an ostentatious Tony Montana-style high roller, get some secateurs as well.

A huge bag of crap from Sports Direct

Only a loser leaves the perma-sale favourite with one item. Don’t overlook Sports Direct’s many questionable bargains: running kit to watch Sky Sports in, Lonsdale eau de toilette, and it is impossible to have too many miniature Manchester United footballs.

A baked turd from Greggs

Straight-from-frozen bakery Greggs has taken on near-mythical status in British culture. Get yourself down there and buy a pork and cheese rhomboid or whatever. Think of wet cardboard as you choke it down.

Fast f**king fashion

Is your life incomplete without a pair of knitted trainers or a DKNY parka? It’s definitely worth risking being infected with a deadly virus for these precious items. Some may even be limited edition, which means nothing.

Vastly overpriced Apple bullshit

You’re using your precious Apple whatever constantly, so give it a treat. A mouse for £99?  AirPods? An Apple Pencil? Rumour has it the soulless megacorp will soon be selling clock radios for £1,499 but in fairness the battery life is excellent.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

F**king footballers have more claim to moral high ground than government

PREMIER League footballers, widely acknowledged as the worst people in society, are now more decent than the f**king government. 

The footballers, who earn millions for working a couple of days a week and spend it all on haircuts and sex parties, have somehow managed to seize the moral high ground from the people we elect to look after us.

Nathan Muir of Shrewsbury said: “Marcus Rashford reckons we shouldn’t let poor kids go hungry over the summer. The government, for f**k’s sake, disagrees.

“This is one kid. He’s 22. He plays for Manchester United, the most evil bastard football club there has ever been or will ever be. He’s not even fulfilled his potential as a striker.

“But somehow he’s better regarded than Boris Johnson, who the entire point of is that we’re all meant to love him. How do you f**k up that badly?

“Who’s going to be more popular next? Investment bankers? Serial killers? The Go Compare man?”

A Downing Street spokesman said: “I’m expected to defend the deliberate starvation of children? F**k that noise. I’m out.”