EDL member mistakenly defending portaloo

A MAN with a shaved head and Burberry jacket believes he is defending a statue of Winston Churchill when it is actually a Portaloo. 

Bill McKay travelled from Berkshire to watch over the statue, but due to never having previously seen it is standing guard at toilet facilities next to roadworks in Tufton Street instead.

McKay said: “This man behind me won World War Two single-handed and went on to start his own successful car insurance company. People need to learn their history.

“But they’ve put him in this box, which isn’t right, and there’s people threatening him and where’s the uprising of patriots? I’m the only one here. Disgraceful.

“Also I think the statue should have been bigger. It can’t be any more than life-size in there, and judging by the smell they’re hardly keeping it clean.

“I’ll wait here all day if I have to. No lefties are getting rid of our country’s greatest hero on my watch. Though I might have to nip off for a slash later on.”

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Hot singles looking to join social bubbles in your area

ATTRACTIVE single people in your area desperately want to join your social bubble, adverts are claiming. 

According to trustworthy pop-ups on adult websites, hot singles near you are on the lookout for some no-strings-attached household-on-household social bubble fun.

Horndog Wayne Hayes said: “I can only form a social bubble with one household so I should choose my grandma or a lonely friend. But on the other hand Rachel, aged 26, only lives 40 minutes away and is ready to go.

“I’ve been trying to connect with hot singles via my webcam, to ensure I’m making the right decisions about who to bubble up with, but they keep changing the subject. Afraid of commitment.

“But Rachel’s not like that. She’s always sending me GIFs and she seems really keen to share. Yes, normally she’d be out of my league, but these are unprecendented times.

“I’ve sent my credit card details so she can get an Uber over here, and she should be arriving tonight. I hope she’s good with computers. Ever since I clicked on her ad mine’s been playing up.”

Hayes’s grandmother Yvonne said: “I thought Wayne might call about being in his social bubble, but I’m glad he hasn’t. I’ve got Scott, aged 26, coming over later.”