Coronavirus still coming down from weekend at rave

THE coronavirus has admitted it has changed its outlook on life after spending Saturday night in a field near Oldham out of its box on E. 

The virus said it initially viewed the illegal outdoor rave as nothing more than an opportunity to replicate, but a few huffs of nitrous, some powerful skunk and a Mario ecstasy tablet changed it forever.

COVID-19 continued: “Wow. Like there’s more to life than infecting people, you know?

“I didn’t know anyone but they were all were so friendly. I got in with this group of really sound lads by the DJ and it was them gave me the pill. And woah.

“It was amazing. Just dancing, and just hearing the music like I’ve never heard music before. This mash-up of This Is America and Losing It and I was punching the air, screaming, just… amazing.

“And I met this girl, and she put a glowing necklace round my spike proteins and danced with me, and it was so like, pure and perfect and I loved her even though I didn’t know her. It was incredible.”

It added: “Yeah. Kind of on a brutal comedown now though. Billy’s popping round with an eighth later. Anyway, where’s everyone at this weekend?”

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Your guide to where you should and shouldn't urinate

DO you have difficulty distinguishing between a legitimate place to relieve yourself and the kind of monument you claim to be defending? Use this guide: 

On Winston Churchill statue: NO

If caught short near a Churchill statue while tanked up, you might accidentally unleash a stream of beery urine onto the national hero who led us through our darkest hour. Don’t. Look for a statue of Gladstone or someone else forgotten instead.

On the box around an unknown statue who might have done something bad: YES

If they’ve put the guy in a box, he must be a wrong ‘un so it’s pretty much an act of political solidarity to micturate against it. Plus it’s the closest you’ll get to weeing against one of those plywood fences they have at music festivals this year.

In the shower: YES

Why not? Also if you live in a shared flat, dislike your flatmates and are a passive-aggressive twat, you can take pleasure in knowing they might get a bit of your piss on their feet. Though mainly it’s on yours.

Sainsbury’s: NO

A 45-minute socially distanced queue may leave you with urge to splash out on an upmarket ready meal chiller cabinet, but don’t. Whopping out your schlong and gaily relieving yourself lowers the tone dreadfully.

The bushes in a lay-by: YES

This will give you a charming nostalgia trip as you remember being a small child on a long car journey to some seaside shithole for a day out, with your dad smoking throughout the journey and not wearing a seatbelt.

Train toilets: NO

These satanic stink-holes are only for fearless people or those without a sense of smell. And even with the best will in the world you’re going to fire piss everywhere when the Pendolino hits a curve given that you can’t sit down, because if you did you’d never be clean again.