Wednesday, 28th October 2020

Coronavirus still coming down from weekend at rave

THE coronavirus has admitted it has changed its outlook on life after spending Saturday night in a field near Oldham out of its box on E. 

The virus said it initially viewed the illegal outdoor rave as nothing more than an opportunity to replicate, but a few huffs of nitrous, some powerful skunk and a Mario ecstasy tablet changed it forever.

COVID-19 continued: “Wow. Like there’s more to life than infecting people, you know?

“I didn’t know anyone but they were all were so friendly. I got in with this group of really sound lads by the DJ and it was them gave me the pill. And woah.

“It was amazing. Just dancing, and just hearing the music like I’ve never heard music before. This mash-up of This Is America and Losing It and I was punching the air, screaming, just… amazing.

“And I met this girl, and she put a glowing necklace round my spike proteins and danced with me, and it was so like, pure and perfect and I loved her even though I didn’t know her. It was incredible.”

It added: “Yeah. Kind of on a brutal comedown now though. Billy’s popping round with an eighth later. Anyway, where’s everyone at this weekend?”