Couple conceive second child as long-term investment to stop first one hassling them

A COUPLE are having a second child because they are already bored rigid of having to play with their first one, they have confirmed. 

Stephen and Donna Malley have decided to subject themselves to the short-term ordeal of a second baby in the hope it will pay off two years down the line by keeping their existing son busy.

Donna said: “It’s high-risk, but we’ve got to take the gamble. A single afternoon pretending clothes pegs could talk and were a family established that.

“We’re investing the time and the money to raise what at this point we’re terming ‘Child 2.0’ because we believe it will occupy our existing asset. The theory is once the second one is old enough the first one will take to it and the rearing process becomes self-sustaining.

“That in turn frees myself and Steve up for our preferred leisure activities, binging Married At First Sight Australia and watching strangers bet big money on blackjack hands on Instagram, respectively. So there is a pay-off.”

Stephen agreed: “The next two to three years will be a f**king nightmare, but by late 2026 we’ll have a ready-made playmate for the child we already have and she’ll have someone to take part in eleborate reconstructions of scenes from Bluey.

“Do we regret having even one child? God no. Have you seen the cost of end-of-life care? With these two, we’re defraying those expenses against a promise of an inheritance which may never happen. It’s good-sense financial planning.”

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We ask you: does Netflix's dramatisation of the Prince Andrew interview prove his innocence once and for all?

SCOOP, a dramatisation of Prince Andrew’s infamous 2019 Newsnight interview, has the whole world wondering if they judged him too harshly. What’s your view? 

Sophie Rodriguez, chef: “Rufus Sewell was far more convincing and really sold the no-sweating bit. They should have hired him originally.”

Oliver O’Connor, aquarium cleaner: “I’m waiting for the dramatisation showing how the Netflix dramatisation was made before I decide. Should arrive in about five years.”

Carolyn Ryan, marketing manager: “They didn’t do much with the story, did they? I was hoping they’d insert a tempestuous love triangle and a big jewel like in Titanic.

Martin Bishop, police frogman: “Not interested, I’ve already seen the porn version.”

Nathan Muir, personal trainer: “Sorry, I missed this originally. Pizza f**king Express?”