Couple who do f**k all outraged they can't go out and do things

A COUPLE who never get off their arses are furious that they are not supposed to go anywhere at the moment.

Nikki Hollis and Stephen Malley have not bothered to go anywhere beyond their work and the nearest supermarket for the five years they’ve been together but are now outraged about having to stay home.

Hollis said: “It’s fine for me to do shit-all if that’s what I want but it’s unforgivable that the government would tell me to be a non-participant in society.

“It should be my choice never to visit art galleries, or to stream movies instead of going to the cinema, or to cancel plans with friends rather than ever see anything through.”

Malley added: “Some of our friends are suggesting a big post-Covid party to celebrate when things are normal again which is some comfort.

“The idea of having the option to go out and really enjoy myself with my mates, and then turn that down is the only thing helping me sleep at night.”

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Receipts at bottom of woman's handbag enough to wipe arse on for three years

A WOMAN is unconcerned about running out of loo roll because she has at least 3,000 crumpled receipts in her handbag.

Jo Kramer also has a stash of Costa napkins, shopping lists dating back to 2018 and three once-cute now coffee-stained notebooks she can use if it comes to it.

She said: “Toilet roll shortage? Should have thought ahead, like I did.

“I’ve been repurposing my receipt collection for years in inhospitable situations like the toilets in any gig venue, so this post-Andrex wasteland holds no fear for me.

“I find the Tesco ones particularly absorbent and I’ve used a classy receipt for a smoothie maker from from John Lewis three times now.

“I’ve also used pages of my office diary, old Starburst wrapper and a pre-packed tuna sandwich from a Shell garage, which performed far better for that than it did as a sandwich.”

Retail manager Wayne Hayes said: “This is the reason we still issue paper receipts. We want our customers to know that even in the face of disaster, we have literally got their arses covered.”