Saturday, 4th April 2020

Toddlers to retrain as paramedics

CHILDREN aged between two and 12 who are immune to the coronavirus are to train as frontline healthcare staff. 

The government has drafted in the youthful workforce to work in A&E, intensive care units and with ambulance teams because they cannot catch COVID-19 and the sheer cuteness of it will cheer everyone up.

Health secretary Matt Hancock said: “If a child can pin the tail onto a donkey, they can put a needle into a vein. Probably. It might take them a couple of goes.

“Kids love playing doctors and nurses, so imagine how exciting it will be for them to have a real live defibrillator. There’s been no objection from parents who are delighted to have them out of the way.”

Three-year-old Tom Logan said: “Look, I was very happy in my current position which mainly involved placing coloured shapes into corresponding holes and pulling the cat’s tail.

“However, if the nation needs us we’ll do what we can to help in return for stickers on our reward charts.

“We’ve been fast-tracked through the ambulance driving test with one steering and one doing the pedals. Once we’ ve co-ordinated on who goes at which end of the stretcher we’ll be good to go.”