Johnson promises to debag the coronavirus and throw it in the river Cam

BORIS Johnson has told Britain that he and his science chums will pull the coronavirus’s trousers down and throw it off the punt dock into the river Cam. 

The prime minister announced at last night’s press conference that within the next 12 weeks he and the boys will take the ceremonial oar down from above the college fireplace and spank COVID-19’s bottom until it is bloody well pink.

He continued: “Oh yes, I know very well how to teach this bugger a lesson.

“We’ll get a couple of the rugby boys to rush it through, blindfold it, make it stand on one leg singing ‘I’m the silliest arse in Surrey’ then it’s trousers down, dick out, straight in the river while we all cheer.

“I’ve set a 12-week deadline for this, just about the end of Trinity term, and you all know I don’t set arbitrary deadlines and when I set them I meet them.

“We’ll all be guffawing by the dock in our tailcoats and bow-ties watching old Covid float down the river by June 20th. And that’s a promise.”

When reminded he actually went to Oxford, not Cambridge, Johnson said: “Yes, that’s how I know about this. They did it to me.”

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'Plenty of pasta, hello, we've plenty of pasta over here', say corner shops

THE UK’s convenience stores want to tell customers they have shelves groaning with pasta but cannot be heard over the noise of fighting outside Tesco.

As photos flood social media of shelves emptied by locusts in human form, small grocers approiximately 75 yards away remain fully stocked.

Corner shop owner Norman Steele said: “I would like to correct the impression that Britain is on the brink of famine because enormous shops you’ve heard of are running out of stuff.

“Facebook’s full of panicking Britons wondering which of their own arms they’ll eat first if they can’t get hold of tagliatelle, while on eBay single pieces of farfalle are auctioned for 75p.

“But rather than getting up at 6am and heading to your nearest hypermarket tooled up for trouble try Khan’s Universal Foods in Fleetwood Street, where dozens of packs of pasta of all shapes have patiently awaited purchase for months.

“Yes they’re a bit dusty and you’ve not heard of the brand, but they’re unmistakably pasta. We also have a wide range of dried products, including powdered cheese, broccoli sauce and cock soup.”

Roy Hobbs, who wrestled an old woman to the ground in front of his young son for a pack of pappardelle, said: “Thing is, it’s 22p cheaper in Tesco.”