Saturday, 4th April 2020

Johnson promises to debag the coronavirus and throw it in the river Cam

BORIS Johnson has told Britain that he and his science chums will pull the coronavirus’s trousers down and throw it off the punt dock into the river Cam. 

The prime minister announced at last night’s press conference that within the next 12 weeks he and the boys will take the ceremonial oar down from above the college fireplace and spank COVID-19’s bottom until it is bloody well pink.

He continued: “Oh yes, I know very well how to teach this bugger a lesson.

“We’ll get a couple of the rugby boys to rush it through, blindfold it, make it stand on one leg singing ‘I’m the silliest arse in Surrey’ then it’s trousers down, dick out, straight in the river while we all cheer.

“I’ve set a 12-week deadline for this, just about the end of Trinity term, and you all know I don’t set arbitrary deadlines and when I set them I meet them.

“We’ll all be guffawing by the dock in our tailcoats and bow-ties watching old Covid float down the river by June 20th. And that’s a promise.”

When reminded he actually went to Oxford, not Cambridge, Johnson said: “Yes, that’s how I know about this. They did it to me.”