The elderly parents' guide to getting coronavirus advice wrong

ARE you an older person determined to drive your children up the wall by misunderstanding every bit of coronavirus advice? Here’s how:

Decide you can only shop at 7am

You heard about ‘silver hour’ for older shoppers on the wireless. Now you’re all flustered about it and think you have to go shopping at Sainsbury’s every day at 7am sharp with your birth certificate and at other times you’ll be turned away.

Get information from your imagination

Rather than looking up factual information from the NHS website, simply imagine things about the coronavirus. Now phone your weary children with another pointless query such as ‘Auntie Lynne’s got tropical fish. Can she get it from them?’

Believe ‘social distancing’ means ‘continue visiting crowded places’

Avoiding a virus passed between humans clearly does not mean avoiding busy coffee shops or cancelling your weekly trip to Preston market for Eccles cakes. Where on earth would anyone get that idea?

Chuck in a bit of bigotry

As younger family members try to help, put them right off with some good old out-of-date bigotry like ‘All the foreigners can’t be helping. There was Indians living 16 to a room in Bradford in 1979.’

Rely on the worst kinds of media

The Express and Mail, naturally. Also treat as gospel anything some cretin phones in to Talkradio. Before long you’ll be convinced coronavirus is a devious scheme – admittedly without any clear or useful goal – by the Russians. Or if you’re an Express reader, aliens.

Assume you are under house arrest

Firmly believe you literally must not leave the house for 16 weeks, even to go in the garden, and endlessly fret about it to your children until they wish they were doing 16 weeks in solitary just for the peace and quiet.

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Five excellent upsides to the coronavirus crisis

CAN you remember the last time anyone mentioned Brexit? Despite the misery of coronavirus maybe it’s not all bad. Here are some more silver linings.

People finally give a shit about personal hygiene

If you’ve long despaired about people swanning out of the work toilets without washing their hands after taking a dump, despair no more. Now you have to get those hands nice and clean or be cast out of society like a modern-day leper.

You’ve proved to your boss you can work from home

Has your boss claimed for years that it’s not possible for you to work from home without giving a good reason? That’s because there isn’t one, and now they don’t have a leg to stand on when you fancy a day lolling around in your pyjamas.

Eurovision is cancelled

Eurovision is never as hilarious as people say and the search for the UK’s song is unbearably tedious. The one we choose is invariably shit and no one gives us any points anyway because we’re the national equivalent of a petulant child. This year we’ll be spared the humiliation. See also: all sporting events.

Boris Johnson gets scrutinised on a daily basis

Before the crisis the prime minister appeared to be phoning it in whilst spending the majority of his time on holiday in Mustique. Now we’ve got a daily opportunity to watch him squirm awkwardly and look frankly terrified by his ‘dream job’.

We don’t have to hear about Brexit for a bit

Thank f**k.