Saturday, 4th April 2020

Man buys 72 toilet rolls in morning, spends evening in pub

A MAN who spent his morning panic-buying toilet roll will spend his evening with a large group of regulars at his local. 

Roy Hobbs began his unhelpful approach to the coronavirus crisis by deciding he needed a year’s supply of toilet paper, especially as it was a foreign disease and would therefore probably involve diarrhoea. 

He then visited a packed supermarket and added eight packs of Andrex to the vast supply in his spare room. At 6pm, however, Hobbs decided that expecting him to hang around indoors was ridiculous and he was going to the pub.

Hobbs said: “We got through World War 2 by rolling out the barrel and having a singalong and we’ll get through this the same way. 

“It’s that herd thing Boris was talking about. As long as we stick together in herds, we’ll be okay. It’ll all blow over anyway, these things always do. And they say alcohol’s the best way of getting rid of germs.”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Mr Hobbs is what clinical psychologists refer to as ‘an absolute bellend’.”