Man buys 72 toilet rolls in morning, spends evening in pub

A MAN who spent his morning panic-buying toilet roll will spend his evening with a large group of regulars at his local. 

Roy Hobbs began his unhelpful approach to the coronavirus crisis by deciding he needed a year’s supply of toilet paper, especially as it was a foreign disease and would therefore probably involve diarrhoea. 

He then visited a packed supermarket and added eight packs of Andrex to the vast supply in his spare room. At 6pm, however, Hobbs decided that expecting him to hang around indoors was ridiculous and he was going to the pub.

Hobbs said: “We got through World War 2 by rolling out the barrel and having a singalong and we’ll get through this the same way. 

“It’s that herd thing Boris was talking about. As long as we stick together in herds, we’ll be okay. It’ll all blow over anyway, these things always do. And they say alcohol’s the best way of getting rid of germs.”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Mr Hobbs is what clinical psychologists refer to as ‘an absolute bellend’.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Waitrose limits food sales to people with detached houses

ANYONE who does not live in a detached house will be barred from shopping in Waitrose during the coronavirus crisis.

As the pandemic continues to disrupt shopping, the supermarket has introduced restrictions to ensure only ‘their kind of people’ stockpile its overpriced items.

Waitrose & Partners director Denys Finch Hatton said: “Until now we’ve been incredibly generous by letting the riff-raff browse our shelves, fondle our locally-sourced produce and drink from our KeepCups. But desperate times call for desperate measures.

“We’re slamming the door on the hoi polloi who don’t live in standalone domiciles. It’s not like the plebs in their terraced shoeboxes appreciate our vermicelli nests anyway.

“Shoppers will need to present mortgage documents, floor plans and photographs of their home interiors before being allowed to shop. If we don’t like the sound of your postcode we’ll happily turn you away.”

Aspirational semi-detached homeowner Emma Bradford said: “Where am I meant to get my ridiculously expensive lardons from now?”