Friday, 10th July 2020

Mate in London proud he'll be in lockdown before everyone else

A MATE in London is showing off about being in total lockdown while friends in the provinces are so behind they can still leave their homes. 

Joe Turner, who moved to the capital from Leicester in 2008, has already been on the phone to several old friends boasting about how empty the streets are before casually adding “I suppose it’s bustling there?”. 

Turner continued: “Yeah, full lockdown. They say it’ll be for weeks. Probably by the time you’re in lockdown we’ll have finished it. 

“And knowing what Londoners are like for obeying rules, they’ll have the army out to enforce it. I’ll be able to see the tanks rolling past from my balcony. Totally Instagrammable. 

“We’ll be fine down here, we’ve got that Blitz spirit. The eyes of the world will be on us. My mate Jaz is doing a pretty harsh lo-fi beats DJ session from his balcony, and of course we can get weed delivered. 

“You’ll all be doing this stuff eventually, that’s how it works, but London’s first obviously. Showing you how it’s done. As usual.” 

Friend Tom Booker said: “Joe went to St Pancras desperate for a train home but they were all full. His mum told me.”