Friday, 10th July 2020

Masturbation up eight million per cent

MASTURBATION levels are through the roof due to everyone being at home with too much time on their hands, it has been confirmed. 

The Institute for Studies found that working from home and self-isolation meant that levels of ‘rubbing one out’ are at the highest since records began.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Without a boss looking over their shoulder, people are really bashing the bishop and paddling the pink canoe.

“Yesterday a graphic designer in Swindon self-abused 14 times. Although in fairness he is ‘between jobs’ and would have been doing that anyway.

“And his actual record is 18 times.”

Office worker Martin Bishop said: “My boss said, ‘Just do what you do at home what you’d be doing at work.’

“So I knocked one out in the bathroom instead of in bed or on the sofa.”