Masturbation up eight million per cent

MASTURBATION levels are through the roof due to everyone being at home with too much time on their hands, it has been confirmed. 

The Institute for Studies found that working from home and self-isolation meant that levels of ‘rubbing one out’ are at the highest since records began.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Without a boss looking over their shoulder, people are really bashing the bishop and paddling the pink canoe.

“Yesterday a graphic designer in Swindon self-abused 14 times. Although in fairness he is ‘between jobs’ and would have been doing that anyway.

“And his actual record is 18 times.”

Office worker Martin Bishop said: “My boss said, ‘Just do what you do at home what you’d be doing at work.’

“So I knocked one out in the bathroom instead of in bed or on the sofa.”

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People in bullshit jobs experiencing existential crisis

PEOPLE in jobs that are total bollocks are wondering if they have wasted their lives, they have confirmed. 

As the COVID-19 pandemic ravages the world, digital transformation gurus and brand wealth managers are questioning if perhaps they should have done something more useful with their time on earth.

Global relationship consultant Julian Cook said: “When I was little I wanted to be a lorry driver. Instead I do this, which I always knew was a bit of a joke but I got a company car and a bonus so it was fine.

“But now I look at the state of the world and wonder what the f**k I’ve been doing coming up with social media strategies and ‘brand engagement battle plans’ when I could have been, I don’t know. Driving a lorry.”

Mixologist Nikki Hollis agreed: “I’ve trained for years to do this – to throw bottles in the air before pouring stuff out of them. What was I thinking?

“My sister works in Asda and is basically on the frontlines of humanity’s survival, while I’m chopping up limes in an empty bar and washing my hands every five minutes.”

As the existential panic spread across the country, estate agents and recruitment consultants confirmed that they are so monstrous that if they did not do this they would do something even worse.