Cats unprepared for all the extra attention

THE UK’s cats do not know why their owners are suddenly home and getting all up in their faces during their quiet time. 

Cats around the country have confirmed that while they do sometimes like a stroke in the evening, during the day they have stuff to do and do not need the hassle.

Roy Hobbs, a five-year-old cat living in Wimbledon, said: “How long is this meant to last for? Because it’s already bugging me.

“I’ve got a back wall to walk along, I’ve got mice to catch, I’ve got a dump to take in the kids’ sandpit six doors down. I can’t stay here being petted all day.

“Get off me. Get off. It’s lovely that if there was one seat in the spaceship saving us all I’m getting it, but haven’t you got work to do?”

Neighbouring tabby Emma Bradford agreed: “You might not be able to go out, but I am. Stroke a cushion if you need comfort.

“Though it was nice of you to say if you died of the virus I could eat you. That really is the spirit of the Dambusters.”

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Couple forced to work from home realise neither actually does any work

A COUPLE forced to work from home has each realised that the other one’s claims to have a punishingly hard job are bullshit. 

Tom and Clare Logan, who usually spend their evenings regaling each other with how swamped they are at work, have seen the truth about their jobs revealed by sitting in the same room for nine hours of pure procrastination.

Clare said: “I’ve kept telling Tom to push for a promotion because the way he talked up work, he should be on six figures. After one day watching him in action I think he should be fired.

“He seemed to spend the whole day watching YouTube videos and snorting with laughter or commenting loudly what someone had just posted on Twitter.

“And don’t get me started on the toilet breaks. By 1pm I asked if he had a yeast infection.”

But Tom said: “Clare rarely actually types, and believe me I’d notice because she appears to have mistaken the keyboard of her laptop for a percussion instrument.

“And if that was a work call, then more of her business revolves around Celebrity Bake-Off than I’d imagined. Lazy cow. Tonight’s chat about our day is going to be awkward.”