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Deeply unlikable man 'chose' not to have kids

A MAN with no appealing personality traits whatsoever claims he never got round to having children out of personal choice.

Tom Booker has conveniently overlooked his horrible personality, total lack of ambition and career prospects, and general incompetence while boasting about his decision.

Booker said: “Whenever I hear friends with kids talk about how tired and poor they are, I let out a self-satisfied snort. Thanks to my superior powers of reasoning I’ve cleverly dodged this trap.

“Sure, there were some close calls. I went out with someone at college for a fortnight before I brutally chucked her. If I’d let that continue, I’d have ended up stuck with a baby.

“Now I get to live alone in my parent’s basement and work at a dead-end job, which are other things I’ve decided to do totally of my own volition.”

Booker’s college girlfriend Mary Fisher said: “I chucked Tom because he was incredibly boring. If he’s still bitterly hung up about that after more than 20 years, the gene pool’s better off.”

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Is the world out to get you or are you just an arsehole? Take our quiz

LIFE not going your way? Unsure if it’s due to some cosmic conspiracy or because you’re a complete arsehole? Find out with our quiz.

Nobody came to your birthday party, what gives?

A. There’s a global pandemic, so meeting up for a drink is difficult right now. Or is that just a convenient excuse? We could have had a weird Zoom chat.
B. They were probably just scared that my merciless banter and hazardous levels of alcohol consumption would make them look like complete squares.

People openly bitch about you, why’s that?

A. There just must be something about me that says ‘easy target’. That’s the only reason I can think of for friends, family and total strangers taking the piss out of me.
B. It’s cowardly payback for all the times I’ve treated people like shit. It’s not my fault they’re so sensitive.

Why were you fired from your job?

A. My manager was threatened by my competence and high achievement, so they got rid of me in a callous but professional way like a mafia boss.
B. My manager didn’t like me rolling into work late every day and slagging them off to their face. At least now I’m free to pursue my dream job: working in telesales.

How come your partner left you?

A. The random forces of the universe inserted an attractive and compatible person into our social group. How could I possibly resist shagging them? It was serendipity.
B. They walked in on me sleeping with one of our mates. I invited them to join in, but there’s no pleasing some people.

ANSWERS

Mostly As: It definitely sounds like the world has got it in for you. Or perhaps you’re just an arsehole with an awful lot of excuses.

Mostly Bs: You’re a cast-iron arsehole, which means you’re more than capable of handling whatever people throw at you. And they’re going to throw a lot of things at you. Because you’re an arsehole.

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