Do you have an irrational hatred of London?

LONDON entering tier 3 lockdown is great news if you’re nuturing a hatred of London and everyone in it. Are you one of those dicks? 

What are Londoners like?

A) The nine million souls in the capital are of such diverse backgrounds, ethnicity and income that there is no typical Londoner, which is wonderful
B) Yuppies earning £500k at their crooked money laundering jobs in the City, cockney gangsters who call sums of money by animal names, or Islamic extremists

What did you do when you heard about London going into tier 3?

A) I felt sad for my diminished country and sympathy for those having their Christmas disrupted
B) I posted a picture of The Shawshank Redemption on Twitter with the caption ‘Your in prison now like us now hope you get bummed BASTARDS’.

Do you like visiting London?

A) Yes, it’s great for sightseeing, galleries, theatre and the latest restaurants
B) No, because I don’t want to be human trafficked, forced to buy a £750,000 bedsit or be stabbed by postcode-crazed youths the second I step off the coach

What do Londoners do to relax?

A) Watch TV, browse the internet or socialise with friends
B) Wave a wad of £50 notes in a tramp’s face while shouting ‘loadsamoney’, go for a swim in the luxury swimming pool in the basement of their £250 million Knightsbridge town house, and snort cocaine on balconies

What should we do about London’s relative affluence?

A) Invest more in the regions
B) Fill in their fancy tube network with concrete, burn down snooty posh areas like Tooting, and make them all work in coal mines. Then close down the coal mines while they’re in them.


Mostly As: You do not have an irrational hatred of London. You’re probably a superior London ponce called Tarquin who goes to the theatre every night and keeps a Northerner as a pet.

Mostly Bs: You are mental, but no one will notice because there are plenty of other idiots out there who think Londoners live in solid gold mansions with a 24-hour rotisserie swan.

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Six signs everyone thinks you're a f**king terrible driver

DOES anyone getting into your car first ask questions about whether it has working airbags? Then you’re the kind of driver everyone hates being in a car with. These are the signs: 

Your passengers hold onto the roof handles for dear life

If your passengers’ knuckles are white with the force they’re exerting holding onto the roof handles, they may not be entirely confident of your motoring.

The question of how many driving tests you took always seems to come up

Cars are meant to be great environments for conversation, but whenever you’re at the wheel it always seems to come back to the subject of your driving tests, how many you took, how the f**k you passed, whether your examiner was legally blind, etc.

They keep interrupting your phone calls

When you’re on the phone for an important call about what Carl said to Sophie about Judy, it’s irritating being interrupted by remarks like ‘I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but that truck’s now chasing us’ or ‘Actually this isn’t a dual carriageway’.

Comments like ‘wow, we’re so close to that Audi I know what dealership sold it’ are made

It’s hardly your fault when other cars won’t get out of the way, but passengers seem to think that if you’re close enough to another car to see what the kids in its back seats are watching on their tablets, you’re too close. What happened to intimacy?

Everyone suddenly ‘fancies a walk’

You arrive at traffic lights with a bit of a skid and a screech and suddenly the friends you’re giving a lift to fling the doors wide and jump out, claiming they want to walk home and the fresh air will do them good. Even though they’re six miles from home and head straight to the bus stop.

Passengers begin to pray at the sight of a double roundabout

Double roundabouts can be tricky, and the noise of someone in the front seat commending their immortal soul to the Lord is distracting. Brake suddenly and give the Vs to a taxi driver to turn their mutterings into keening and wailing as they just hope the end will be quick.