Electric blankets and other things old people weren't wrong about

OH how you used to laugh at the outdated ways old people kept warm. But now, as the cold snap bites, you realise they were right about these methods.

Electric blankets

‘What, duvet not good enough for you?’ you used to sneer to yourself as your gran hobbled off to fire up her electric blanket. But after giving it a go you realise you’ve been denying yourself years of toasty comfort. What else was the old bird right about? Did society write off Teasmades too soon as well? Better order one from Amazon and find out.

Hanging about in libraries

Despite containing vast swathes of your favourite thing – free content – libraries never appealed to you. That’s until you realised they’re snug public spaces where you can sit for hours without having to spend a fortune on coffee. You’d happily spend all day in your local library if it hadn’t been closed down due to lack of use by ungrateful young ’uns like yourself.

Cups of hot tea every half-hour

During the winter months old people like to keep topped up with a steady supply of tea or Ovaltine. The second their empty mug is placed on the table they’ll dart off to the kitchen to refill the kettle. You used to worry about what chronic caffeine dependency does to your body, but compared to the heart attack your next heating bill will give you it’s worth the risk.

Draught excluders

Laughably archaic to Gen Z, according to The Daily Telegraph. Nonetheless, draught excluders are an excellent way to plug the gaps around doors and windows, and sausage dog ones are a cheap pet ideal for a cramped rented flat. Although their phallic shape is probably deeply offensive and therefore they will undoubtedly be cancelled, in the batshit imaginings of the Telegraph.


These huge weighted duvets look like the sort of thing that people snuggled up under during the American Civil War, so what use could they possibly have in the modern world? Well, it turns out that some useful inventions are timeless and don’t need to be supported by a f**king app to work. A lesson that Sonos is yet to learn.

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Six reflex responses when a man is told 'We need to talk'

‘WE need to talk’ is a phrase up there with ‘Guilty on all counts. Take the defendant down’. Here’s what a man will blurt out when these dread words are uttered.


The phrase ‘we need to talk’ suggest there’s been no specific transgression, just that a man’s entire personality is at fault. By asking ‘why?’ a man’s brain recognises it’s in peril and immediately switches mode to fight or flight, then does neither. It might have been easier to write anniversaries in a little book and feed the cat occasionally.

‘It wasn’t me’

Only dense American crime suspects on The World’s Dumbest Felons admit to wrongdoing before they’ve been charged. Further denials will only compound the problem, and dithering, confused apologies will prove to your partner you do indeed need to talk. 

‘I am talking’

This wiseass response is a dangerous high-risk strategy. You partner won’t fall for your unfunny logic and a Richter Scale rant will follow, although on the upside your input will no longer be needed. Other cute phrases like ‘Can we take a rain check?’ might buy some time, but only because your partner will wonder when you turned into an even bigger wanker.

‘You’ve done your hair’

Complimenting a partner on her appearance would normally be acceptable, but when dribbled out as a half-arsed diversion is catastrophically lame. Particularly if a partner hasn’t done her hair, or is unhappy with her currently styling, in which case you may as well kill yourself.

‘I don’t feel well’

This will be true, as fear grips your gut, but could be interpreted as unwillingness to participate. Which it is. Only use in a truly desperate situation, such as letting slip that a friend ‘looked nice’, meaning you hate everything about your partner and intend to sacrifice everything to shack up with said friend.

‘I love you’

The last roll of the dice. This reflex sentiment will be welcomed but will only buy between two and six seconds of grace. Your deep love for each other proves that any relationship problems must be hammered out in agonising detail. You f**king idiot.