Every other bird jealous of swearing parrots

EVERY other bird in Britain has admitted that the foul-mouthed parrots of Lincolnshire speak for them all. 

A group of expletive-spitting African grey parrots in a Lincolnshire wildlife park who regularly tell visitors to go f**k themselves are the envy of every bird who is trying to say the same but instead chirping delightfully.

Magpie Nathan Muir said: “The absolute bastards. Not only granted the power of speech but using it just as we all would.

“I do a nasty little rattle that shuts the other birds up, but humans barely even notice. What I’d give to be able to perch on the fence and tell them to shove their f**king fat balls up their fat f**king arseholes.

“We’re out here warning you the f**k away from our territory and you’re going ‘how lovely, sounds of spring.’ We’re not doing this for your pleasure, motherf**kers. We hate you.

“Those parrots are telling it like it is. Calling out every wanker, prick, knobhead and cock-chugging twat in the Lincolnshire area one at a time. I salute their honesty.”

African grey Captain, speaking from his wildlife park enclosure, said: “Magpie? F**k off. Shit birds.”

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Relight my Fire, and other hit songs about arson

ARSON is a niche crime but, along with stealing hearts or organ trafficking as it’s better known, one of the most musically popular. These lit up the charts: 

Relight my Fire, Take That, 1993

It’s every pyromaniac’s nightmare: you’re setting a blaze going at the school where they all laughed at you and it fizzles out. Take That’s second number one was their impassioned plea for kindling, enlisting Lulu on the basis she had red hair. Eventually Robbie burned down the whole band.

Murder on the Dance Floor, Sophie Ellis-Bextor, 2001

She might look like an English rose, but Ellis-Bextor loves to burn a goddamn house right down. Perhaps because of her traumatic childhood being forced to make endless constructions from toilet roll tubes and yoghurt pots by her mother Janet Ellis who had been banished from Blue Peter for pregnancy and locked in a tower. It was the 80s.

Ring of Fire, Johnny Cash, 1963

No, it’s not about the aftermath of a phaal. Cash is detailing the optimal technique for reducing unwanted, though heavily insured, farm outbuildings to ashes by pouring accelerant in a circle and advising you not to, as he did, trip and fall into your own burning ring. So it’s not a joke at all.

We Didn’t Start the Fire, Billy Joel, 1989

Tried for aggravated arson, Joel defended himself and pinned blame on everyone from Marilyn Monroe, Einstein, James Dean, Elvis, Doris Day, and Belgians in the Congo. Sentenced to six years, he realised his closing speech to the jury had a nice rhythm to it and turned it into a song. He then took two guards hostage and escaped.

Set Fire to the Rain, Adele, 2011

Too busy getting her heart broken to read up on the basics, Adele attempted to burn water. Her ex-boyfriend shook his head, his decision to dump her based on her imperfect grasp of chemical reactions entirely justified.

Fire, U2, 1981

Bono’s pose as a philanthropist – Band Aid, Live Aid, Amnesty Internation, giving away an album that’s on your iPhone even now, a decade later – hides a dark side. ‘I built a fire,’ he sings, admitting culpability. But getting away with it because he wears shades so nobody knows it’s him.

Disco Inferno, The Trammps, 1976

‘Burn, baby, burn. Burn that mother down.’ Not only calling for babies to be set alight but their mothers also. Most arsonists are happy with empty buildings. It takes a particularly sick-minded individual to sing about burning innocent people.

Firestarter, The Prodigy, 1996

Actually about romance.