Seven core beliefs of Trump supporters that bear no relation to reality

DONALD Trump plans to fight the presidential election on a solid campaign of easily disprovable bullshit, lapped up by lunatics who already hold these fictional beliefs: 

Michelle Obama is a man

Michelle is actually a man called Michael, who didn’t change his name much. Therefore Barack is gay, though the kind of gay attracted to men who look and act exactly like women, and who have birthed two childen. This is an entry-level belief. If you can’t swallow this Trump doesn’t want you.

Trump is America’s last hope against communism

America has never been noted for its love of communism or its flourishing communist party. Consequently, communism has been redefined as anything vaguely liberal, up to and including Reagan. It’s impossible to pin down what they mean. You’d have more joy asking your dog how he’s getting on with the copy of The Magus you left in his basket.

A Satanic paedophile ring operates in Washington

It’s obvious, at this point, that a Satanic paedophile elite including Hillary Clinton ordered children from pizzeria Comet Ping Pong using pizza-based codewords. ‘Extra pepperoni’ meant ‘extra adrenochrome’. It is a firmly-held belief of the detached-from-reality. Deciding Bigfoot is real and dispatching hunter-killer helicopters to Oregon is not beyond them.

Trump is a genius

Trump claimed he was a ‘very stable genius’, a statement akin to ‘I wouldn’t know how to destroy DNA evidence with domestic bleach, officer’ in convincing you of the exact opposite. A poll found 50 per cent of Republicans agreed with the claim. Would such a genius be incapable of coming up with a better insult for opponents than ‘loser’?

The Storm is coming

In Trump lore, Donald’s arch-enemy is the Deep State, ’The Storm’ is their overthrow, and John F Kennedy Jr is alive and pitching in to help. It’s the plot of a comic book, specifically a shit rip-off of Red Skull and Hydra drawn by a particularly untalented nine-year-old, starring the father who doesn’t love him.

Supporting Trump is not incompatible with Christian faith

Evangelical Christians spent decades demanding their leader be Christian, only to throw themselves full behind a man who worships naught but the golden calf of himself. Still, 64 per cent of Republicans consider Trump a ‘person of faith’ even if his messages are ‘Blessed are the lying braggarts’ and ‘The Lord grabbethed the pussy, and it was good’.

The Trumps’ marriage is happy and fulfilling

Melania forcefully stopped Trump sharing a car with her recently, as you do when you’re in love. Trump supporters maintain the marriage is happy and Melania is the best first lady ever. Few people can claim to know what’s going on behind Melania’s Sphinx-like face, but her permanent my-dog-just-died expression suggests it’s ‘F**k off, orange prick’.

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