Trampolines magnificent in flight, agrees Britain

THERE are few sights more majestic to behold than the humble trampoline swooping and soaring high overhead, Britain has agreed. 

The domestic trampoline spends much of its time roosting in suburban gardens before taking to the skies during storms and entertaining thousands with amazing aerial acrobatics.

Wayne Hayes of Exeter said: “You wouldn’t think they’re that impressive when you see them from a passing train. But once they’re in the air, these trampolines put the Red Arrows to shame.

“Dives, barrel rolls, loop-the-loops, last night I saw them do the lot. Their sheer joy at finally being untethered is exhilarating to see. Lifts the spirit. I went in and gave the wife one.”

Lucy Parry of Annan said: “It’s wonderful to see them set free and flying around in what must be their natural habitat. I presume they’re migrating to a more hospitable climate.

“A whole flock winged their way over my house last night like a murmuration of starlings. I guess they do that to fend off predators. It was so beautiful I jotted down a few lines of poetry to send to the Dumfries Courier.

“They’re not so great on landings, though. Crashing 40 feet onto my neighbour’s fence ruined the spectacle somewhat.”

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The Met Office has asked the public to be on tornado watch. So I cannot work this morning

STORM Isha has devastated Britain. The whole country is under a weather alert and the public is on tornado watch. So, in all conscience, I cannot work. 

How can I? When the Met Office has commanded those of us with a keen eye for weather patterns to use employ our observational skills? I am a graphic designer. I’ve got more chance of seeing a tornado coming than a mere accountant.

Would Churchill have allowed the firewatchers of the Blitz to abandon their posts because ‘a client has sent through notes’? He would not. And his steadfast focus on duty saved countless lives.

I have met you halfway. I have come into the office, because I recognise it is no less threatened by tornados than my home. But I will remain stationed by the window, observing the weather, watching for the moment it turns.

‘Answer some emails at least’? Perhaps you’re unaquainted with the speed and ferocity of a tornado. A funnel cloud can drop from the sky and become a full-fledged tornado within minutes. This glass would become a blizzard of blades.

‘Not even windy’? Perhaps not currently, but tornados are formed in the upper atmosphere. It might look like I am ‘standing there doing f**k all the entire morning’, yes, but my vigilance cannot relax. I have answered the Met Office’s call. Respect that.

And when you go home safely to your family tonight, do not tell them ‘Julian did bugger all as f**king usual.’ Tell them a lone hero sacrificed a day’s productivity for us all. And if you could bring me a cup of tea? One sugar.