Fairy lights solve everything, says Britain

BRITONS have confirmed that the best way to deal with a pandemic, Brexit and winter is to throw shitloads of fairy lights at them. 

Facing an uncertain long-term future and an extremely certain short-term future of months indoors, the UK has decided to cover everything with fairy lights and flick the switch.

Tom Logan of Exeter said: “Okay, we’ve lost freedom of movement, the food might run out and we’re all going up to Tier 3, but check this really lovely waterfall effect on these lights. Five different flicker settings.

“I’ve got lights in the hall, the kitchen, the downstairs bathroom, the shed, the wife’s Volvo. I’ve even draped the TV with colour-change lights and now everything looks like Strictly, even if it’s Matt Hancock sobbing.

“They make the world soft-focus and gentle, like drugs but without the criminal record. Boris must be seeking the the illusion of warmth and prosperity right now, he should get some.”

Wife Hannah Tomlinson said: “With fairy lights on the bedframe like my student room where we first fell in love, it’s even got us having more sex. They still don’t help much there.”

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Sending gunboats after the French exactly what I voted for, says Brexiter

A BREXITER has confirmed that deploying the Royal Navy to fire on French fishermen is absolutely what he voted for in 2016. 

Norman Steele of Colchester is only angry that it has taken four-and-a-half years to reach the sensible, common-sense decision to defend our fish by overwhelming force of arms.

He said: “Bugger just the Navy. Get the air force out in helicopter gunships, low-level flights. Strafe a few cows in Brittany, see how they like it.

“Our nation made the choice to become isolated, alone and off-limits to the rest of the continent in one voice in the referendum. This is only where it starts. By next year we’ll be mining Oslo harbour and deploying nuclear submarines in the Med.

“Oh, we’ll go to war for cod. We’ve done it before. I personally still haven’t forgiven the Icelandics for their cowardly victory of ’76, and I hope they’re next.”