Wednesday, 20th January 2021

Fairy lights solve everything, says Britain

BRITONS have confirmed that the best way to deal with a pandemic, Brexit and winter is to throw shitloads of fairy lights at them. 

Facing an uncertain long-term future and an extremely certain short-term future of months indoors, the UK has decided to cover everything with fairy lights and flick the switch.

Tom Logan of Exeter said: “Okay, we’ve lost freedom of movement, the food might run out and we’re all going up to Tier 3, but check this really lovely waterfall effect on these lights. Five different flicker settings.

“I’ve got lights in the hall, the kitchen, the downstairs bathroom, the shed, the wife’s Volvo. I’ve even draped the TV with colour-change lights and now everything looks like Strictly, even if it’s Matt Hancock sobbing.

“They make the world soft-focus and gentle, like drugs but without the criminal record. Boris must be seeking the the illusion of warmth and prosperity right now, he should get some.”

Wife Hannah Tomlinson said: “With fairy lights on the bedframe like my student room where we first fell in love, it’s even got us having more sex. They still don’t help much there.”