SUMMER is over but that’s no reason to stop going on holiday, especially if you enjoy weekends spent traipsing around bleak, damp cities. Like these:
It will piss down, but you can shelter from the elements in a Wetherspoons which costs a fortune because it’s in Leicester Square, and you have no idea where else to go. The more courageous traveller could venture to Camden Lock where you can get high off second-hand weed smoke and break an elbow slipping on wet cobbles. Fortunately some of the city’s best attractions are indoors. Unfortunately, they all cost £300 for a family of four.
Found a cheap deal for this charming Belgian city? Of course you have, because this is the hinterland between summer in a spectacular gothic city and the cosy charm of their Christmas markets. The hotel owners already hate British people because of all the stag dos and are annoyed with you for booking during October when they wanted a bit of a rest. The only upside is the nine per cent Trappist beer, until you have to suffer the hangover the next day.
It’s the world’s go-to party island, full of beautiful people and amazing nightlife. Well, it is during the summer. But by autumn, the local seafood restaurants are shuttered, the clubs are mothballed, the azure blue sea is a muddy grey and the only other visitors apart from you are burned out pillheads who have forgotten how to get home.
You might as well stay in Britain as it’s essentially the same place as Gibraltar: an exposed, wind-battered rock where every direction is uphill and everyone speaks English. The charm disappears with the sunshine and the most exciting tourist attraction is being mugged by a pack of wild monkeys. It wasn’t worth the money you got fined for taking the kids out of school during term time, however much you try to convince your partner otherwise.
You arrive to the crushing news that Oktoberfest actually happens in September and you’ve just missed it. Cue a 48-hour trudge round their grey central business district looking at the same shops as are in your local shopping centre, which don’t even have the benefit of being cheaper because the exchange rate is shot. Every menu is impenetrable so you end up eating boiled white sausages three times a day. Wish you were here!